


Hold On To Yourself

by elaine



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-01-06
Updated: 1999-01-06
Packaged: 2018-11-10 19:56:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11133633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elaine/pseuds/elaine
Summary: A case Ray is working on impinges on his relationship with Ben, with disastrous results.





	Hold On To Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Hold On To Yourself

# Hold On To Yourself

"Vecchio! There's a call for you." 

Ray had just about reached the door. He stopped, his shoulders slumped, and he thought seriously about just bolting for it. It had been a long and irritating morning, and he'd just bet that the aggravation hadn't stopped. He was right, it was the District Attorney's office. He spent over twenty minutes trying to convince the jerk on the other end of the phone that there really was enough evidence to go to trial on a drugs bust he'd been involved with. Finally he slammed down the phone and walked out before the idiot had a chance to call back. He knew Ben wouldn't be waiting at the Consulate by now, but he had a fairly good idea where he would have gone to eat. 

He got that right, at least. On a day like this, it was something to be grateful for. Ray stood on the sidewalk looking in the window at Ben's profile as he stared down into the coffee cup clasped between his hands. His heart began to thud in slow heavy blows against the wall of his chest. A moment later he saw the faint upwards curl of Ben's lips and then Ben turned his head and looked straight at him. Ray wondered briefly if anyone else would recognise that tiny movement of the lips as a welcoming smile, or see the way it was echoed in the blue-gray eyes. The thought slipped from his mind as easily as it had entered and he went into the diner, his bad temper forgotten. 

The waitress came as soon as Ray was seated. He smiled happily up at her and gave her his order, calling her by name (from her name tag) and thanking her kindly. What was the matter with him? he wondered. Telling Ben all about his morning, it suddenly didn't seem so bad anymore and he was quite happy to fall into a companionable silence when his food arrived. 

Ben watched, amused, as Ray picked at his lunch, his appetite obviously not very great, in spite of the large meal he'd ordered. He loved the way Ray could swing from one mood to another, almost without pause for breath. He'd never known anyone so mercurial, or so willing to openly display every emotion. Sometimes he wished he could be more like Ray. 

Ray was idly tracing patterns with his finger on the table, not even aware he was doing it, Ben thought as he moved the salt shaker out of the way. Ray would have a fit if he knocked that over... He left his arm lying on the table and a moment later Ray frowned and touched his fingertip to a faint scar running along the outside of Ben's forefinger. 

"How did you do that?" 

"It was a hunting accident, Ray. I cut my finger while I was skinning a rabbit." 

"Yech! That must have hurt!" 

Ben grimaced. "Not as much as when my grandmother stitched it up." 

"You didn't go to a doctor?" 

"Well we were three days away from the nearest town, Ray." 

Ray frowned, sometimes Ben would come out with stories of his childhood that appalled him, especially when he talked about his stern grandparents. He seemed to have had none of the close affectionate relationships that Ray remembered having. It must have been a terribly lonely childhood. He continued to stroke the scar absently and after a moment the hand under his turned and his fingers were grasped lightly, stilling the movement. Ray looked up at Ben, blinking slightly. The fingers holding his loosened but he didn't move, and Ben's thumb slid across the back of his hand very gently. The arrival of the waitress with the bill made them both draw back. They paid for their meals and left without a word. 

The drive back to the Consulate was equally silent, both men were more than a little preoccupied. However when Ray pulled over, Ben seemed in no hurry to leave. He looked across at Ray enquiringly. 

"Do you want a ride home, Benny?" 

"If you don't mind, Ray." 

"See ya at five, then." 

*

"Would you like a coffee, Ray?" The drive to Ben's apartment had been as silent as the previous trip. Even Dief had not made a sound. 

"Sure." Ray had already switched off the engine. 

He followed Ben into the apartment building and up the stairs. A few minutes later they were sitting at the table, silent again, drinking their coffees. Then Ben reached across the table and took Ray's hand in both of his, inspecting the long slender fingers carefully. 

"Benny?" 

Ben looked at Ray's face, seeing his confusion, feeling the same confusion himself. He'd never expected anything like this to happen, but who in his life meant as much to him as Ray? An easy question to answer. Nobody. He thought that, apart from his family, it was the same for Ray. And Ben knew he could not just ignore what he had begun to feel. It would be easier to stop breathing. But when he spoke, the words were as much for himself as for Ray. 

"Don't be afraid. It'll be OK. I promise." 

Ray's eyes widened, but he didn't move. His fingers tightened on Ben's and they sat in silence again, neither of them knowing what to say. 

*

"Ya know, Benny, this is kinda out of left field for me..." 

"Left field, Ray?" 

"Baseball term... unexpected." 

"Ah. Well, it's out of the field for me too, Ray." 

"Left field, Benny, left... Ahh, who cares..." 

They were walking in the park with Dief, hands buried in their pockets, because any time they stood still for very long they ended up touching each other. They didn't intend to do it, it just seemed to happen, and they wouldn't realise it straight away. They'd almost got caught out a few times, so now they were being careful. 

Ben stopped. "Ray, if it disturbs you so much..." He'd intended to say they could just stay friends, that he'd never do anything that would hurt Ray. It was true. But the words just wouldn't come. He realised he'd caught hold of Ray's arm and let go abruptly, shoving his hand back into his pocket. They started walking again. Up ahead he could see Dief mooching around a litter can. 

"I don't think this is gonna go away, Benny." 

"Do you want it to Ray?" 

They'd stopped again and were standing far too close together. Ray looked into perturbed blue-gray eyes with just a hint of pleading in them. He shook his head. Ben sighed with relief and smiled. 

"Shit." Ray stopped his hand halfway to the Mountie's red serge covered chest and looked around furtively. Nobody in view, luckily. "Let's go to the apartment." 

"Good idea... You know, we really need some time to ourselves, Ray." 

"Oh, sure. That shouldn't be so hard to arrange." 

"There's no need to be sarcastic, Ray. It was just a suggestion." 

*

Ray came bouncing into the apartment, dressed in casual slacks and with his shirt-tails flying. 

"Ya ready, Benny?" 

"Almost. Take a seat, Ray." Ben put the last few items into a small pack and went to the closet for his leather jacket. Dief was sitting by the door expectantly. 

Ray grinned happily, they were going to go to a borrowed holiday home on the lake shore, just far enough out of town for Ben to feel happy, but close enough for Ray to feel safe. Just the thought of having two whole days free was wonderful... 

"Is that all you're taking?" Ben had just the pack, which was just as well since the trunk of the Riv was pretty full with Ray's things. 

"Well, you did say that the bedding and cooking equipment was supplied, Ray." 

"Yeah, but... oh well, if that's all you need..." 

The drive seemed to take no time at all as Ray outlined his plans for the weekend. They seemed to be centered mostly around what meals he had planned and the music he wanted to listen to. Ben listened silently, knowing that it would spoil Ray's fun to discuss the agenda he'd planned, which involved night walks in the woods with Dief, among other more strenuous pursuits. 

It took Ben just a few minutes to unpack once they arrived at the house. Then he helped Ray to finish unloading his things from the car. The number and variety of things that Ray considered necessary for a weekend "roughing it in the country" (Ray's term) was quite amazing. Finally though, it was done and Ray managed to push Ben into a chair and hand him a glass of wine to drink before dinner, then disappeared into the kitchen. The stereo was turned up far too loud for Ben's liking, so soon he gravitated to the kitchen where Ray was singing along to the music. He considered backing out again. Instead, he went over to Ray, putting a hand on his shoulder. Ray turned his head to smile happily at Ben and then went back to his chopping. 

"Is there anything I can do, Ray?" 

"Nah. Just sit and talk, if you like." 

So they talked. A long rambling conversation that covered just about every conceivable topic of interest and a large proportion of their respective lives up to the point they first met. They'd been having a lot of these conversations lately, learning a lot about each other. 

They had a quiet relaxed dinner and then Ben lit a small fire, not really needed as it was a beautiful mild evening, but pleasant all the same. At about ten o'clock, just as Ray was beginning to think about going to bed, Ben stood and stretched and Dief came over to his side. 

"Going to let him out for a while?" 

"Well, actually Ray, we're going for a walk." 

"Now? Are you crazy?" 

"You don't have to come if you don't want to..." 

Ray took one look at his friend's face and sighed deeply. "OK, let me get a jacket or something." 

Once started on the walk, Ray's grumblings died away. It really was beautiful outside. Dief bounded ahead of them, somehow knowing he wasn't going to be nagged into trying to hunt tonight. Ben gradually picked up the pace until they were walking fairly briskly along the shoreline in the narrow area between the trees and the lake. Soon he slipped off the leather jacket he was wearing and slung it over his shoulder. 

"Geez, Benny. Don't you feel the cold?" Ray looked at his friend's bare arms and shuddered. Ben just grinned, it wasn't cold at all. After a while they came to a place where the trees had drawn back from the water's edge in a small clearing. Ben looked up at the clear sky and took Ray's arm and led him onto the higher ground. 

"Look, Ray, there's the North Star, and over there's the Dipper..." 

Ray wasn't that interested, but he was more than willing to indulge Benny in this... he pulled him down to the ground and they lay, heads pillowed on their arms, looking up at the sky, blazing with stars that couldn't be seen in the city. Ben resumed his astronomy lesson, unaware that Ray was mostly looking at him until Ray rolled onto his side and began to gently stroke the sensitive underside of his forearm. Ben's voice faltered and then continued for a while until he just stopped in the middle of a sentence. He turned onto his side and put his hand over Ray's, sliding his fingers up inside the sleeve of the jacket, caressing his arm. They lay like that for a long time, just looking at each other and touching, but not speaking, until Ben began to shiver. 

"It's time we were getting back, Benny." 

Ben nodded reluctantly and sat up, pulling on his jacket again, though he wasn't cold. As they walked back to the house, Ray draped an arm casually across Ben's shoulders and leaned into the warm solidity of his friend's body. Their peaceful mood wasn't broken until they reached the house, then Ben moved away a little awkwardly and went to check the remains of the fire. Dief had already claimed his spot right in front of it. 

Ray yawned hugely, the night walk had tired him, and when Ben stood he ambled over and slid his arms around him, hugging him tightly. After a moments hesitation Ben's arms went around Ray's waist and he returned the hug. It seemed easier just to stand there holding each other than to move apart, and they stayed there a long time, gradually relaxing into the em brace. Finally Ray yawned again, uncontrollably, and Ben pushed him away gently. 

"Night, Benny..." 

"Goodnight, Ray. Sleep well." 

"Yeah, sweet dreams..." 

*

It had been a good idea, to come away like this, Ray thought. They needed some time together away from everyone. At Benny's apartment you never knew when some bum or street kid, or neighbour might come knocking on his door wanting something from him. And trying to get any privacy in the Vecchio household... well that wasn't even worth the effort of thinking about it. He could feel the closeness that had developed between them deepening with every passing moment. So much so, that they had decided to stay Sunday night and drive back early the next morning. 

They had the fire lit again and Ray decided to stretch out in front of it on the hearth rug, dislodging Dief, much to the wolf's disgust. Dief was now sitting to one side of the fireplace staring at him, but Ray had no difficulty ignoring him. All he was aware of was Ben, sitting in an armchair reading a book on some obscure subject that Ray had no interest in. 

"Hey, Benny!" 

When Ben looked up he stretched out his hand and summoned up his most winning smile... 

"Come and join me..." 

Ben looked at him and then, to Ray's delight, blushed slightly. But he put aside his book and lay down beside Ray on the floor. It still overawed Ray to be so close to Ben like this, and his eyes scanned Ben's face searching for any hint of doubt, but finding none. Ben smiled at him and, unexpectedly, cupped his cheek with a large gentle hand. Ray's eyes grew to the approximate size of saucers... Ben's fingers brushed lightly against Ray's temple and slid over the closely cropped hair, drawing him closer. Their lips touched briefly, and then again with greater confidence. Then Ray drew back, satisfied for the moment, and pulled Ben into his arms, pillowing the dark head against his shoulder. They lay, talking quietly about nothing in particular, just enjoying the gentle intimacy. They both knew now what would eventually happen between them, but they were content to take their time. 

*

Coming back to the city was like waking from a dream, and Ray was more pleased than ever that they'd had this time to themselves. He dropped Ben and Dief at the apartment so Ben could get into his uniform. He should have gone straight on to work himself but instead he followed them up the stairs and into the apartment. He couldn't really find the words to say what he needed to say, so he just flung his arms around Ben and kissed him soundly. They were both breathing fast when they separated. 

"I'll see you tonight!" The words hung in the air, but Ray was already gone. 

*

If the weekend away had been a dream, Ray's return to work rapidly became a nightmare. As soon as he arrived at the Precinct, he was called into Lt Welsh's office. There were a couple of men in there already, and it wasn't hard to guess they were Feds. Welsh introduced them as Agents Johnson and Nixon. Before he knew what was happening, he was assigned to work with them on a corruption case involving a local contractor with Mob connections. A lot of the work would involve going through stacks of files which were already being carried into an office that had been set aside for the three of them. To top it off, Johnson and Nixon looked about as happy about it as Ray felt. 

*

He'd had a bad feeling about this from the start, and it looked like he'd been absolutely right. Why did that only happen when he didn't want it to? Since he knew the area, he'd done most of the footwork while the Feds went through the papers. He'd interviewed just about everyone who'd ever had dealings with the contractor, a Robert Hughes. He was pretty sure Johnson and Nixon were right about this guy, especially after he met the creep. But knowing it and proving it were likely to be very different things, this guy had to be one of the slipperiest customers Ray had ever met. 

But what really steamed him was that this damned investigation had taken over his life. He hadn't seen Benny in three days... and phone calls were no good, they couldn't say the things they needed to say over the phone. They couldn't touch over the phone. 

In the end, he just left. To hell with the Feds. To hell with the investigation. Tonight he was going to see Benny. And not to talk about any damn case, as they so often had in the past. No, when he was with Benny he wasn't going to waste a single moment. 

It took a load of weariness off his shoulders just to see Ben's smile as he walked in the door. Ben fussed around him, getting him to sit down while he made a coffee and brought it over. Ray drank it slowly, but it had little effect against three days of less than adequate sleep. He realised that Ben was squatting by his chair, looking up at him concernedly. Ray smiled. 

"Staying for dinner?" 

"I thought you'd never ask." 

"Why don't you go lie down while I cook." 

"How about getting takeout Benny. My treat." 

Ben grinned, he knew how Ray felt about his cooking. "Do you trust me to order?" 

Ray didn't bother answering. He went over to the bed, kicked off his shoes and lay down, sighing with pleasure. 

"Why don't you join me, Benny?" 

"Not yet. I've got a few things to do." 

Ray relaxed into the hard mattress, smiling. Not yet... that sounded promising... He must have fallen asleep within seconds, when he woke the light was almost gone. He could see Ben just rising from a chair beside the table. He came over and sat on the edge of the bed. 

"Hungry yet, Ray?" 

"Starving." Ray reached for Ben, but he slipped away. 

"Later. Food first." 

"It must be ruined by now." 

"Well, it only arrived ten minutes ago, it should be OK. I waited a while, before I ordered." Ben was opening the range and bringing out cartons of Chinese takeout. He assembled them on a tray, leaving Dief his share of the food and carried them over to the bed. Luckily he brought forks, the state Ray was in, he didn't think he could manage chopsticks. He found he really was starving, the food disappeared at quite remarkable speed. 

Once the remains were cleared away Ben came back to sit on the bed and Ray felt suddenly shy, a new experience for him. It was Ben who reached for him, closing his lips gently over Ray's, and drawing him down. They were lying very close, exploring with hands and lips, content to take it slowly. 

Ray was feeling almost giddy with the sensations, he slid his hands into the thick soft hair and parted his lips invitingly. It was an invitation that was immediately accepted as Ben's tongue slipped lovingly over his, making him moan with pleasure. Gentle hands were caressing him everywhere, it seemed, and he pressed his shivering body into their touch. All he could do was to hold onto Ben as the world seemed to reel around him. And then he felt Ben's arms surround him and draw him close against the solid bulk of his body, steadying him. He plunged reluctantly into an exhausted sleep. 

*

In the morning when he woke, Ray could hardly believe it. They'd been so close to achieving what they both wanted, and he'd fallen asleep! Still, it was wonderful to wake up with his head pillowed on Ben's broad chest, to hear his heart beating steadily, to be held in his arms. It would have been even better if the surface under his cheek had been bare skin, rather than fabric. He smiled at the thought. This was still a possibility... 

"Ray?" 

It was Ben's voice, but with a tone to it that Ray had never heard before, a tone that made his heartbeat suddenly accelerate. He levered himself up on one elbow to look at his love. It was almost more than he could bear to meet Ben's look, so he leaned down to kiss him deeply. When they parted it was a while before he could speak again... 

"I want to make love to you..." There, he'd finally said it. 

Ben's eyes seemed to darken as his pupils dilated. "Oh... yes..." 

They kissed again, with almost frightening urgency. He rolled on top of Ben, sliding his knee between strong thighs, feeling... he pulled back suddenly, his eyes widening, shaken, awed, incredibly aroused by the evidence of Ben's desire. For him. Ben pulled a suddenly dazed Ray down against him again, running his hands up and down the long supple back, waiting with a mixture of amusement and lust for Ray to recover his equilibrium. 

The alarm went off. 

Ray slumped against Ben, groaning. "Tell me that's not what I think it is. Please, Benny..." 

Ben's arms tightened around him. "I'm sorry, Ray." 

He slid off the bed before daring to kiss Ray again, briefly, and headed for the bathroom. Ray rolled onto his back and swore at the ceiling. 

*

He'd known it would be like this, he'd just known it... the investigation into Hughes' activities was going nowhere, but nobody was talking about giving up. And it was four days since he'd seen Benny. Four days of not being able to think about anything but Benny. Four days of remembering the taste of his mouth, the warmth of his body, the incredible feel of his erection through the thick serge of his uniform pants... Four nights of not enough sleep made even more unbearable by dreams that jolted him awake sweating and aching for a release that his own hands couldn't really give him. Every night after he finished work he'd driven past Benny's apartment and every night the windows had been dark. 

Tonight, he decided, he'd go up anyway. But when he got to Racine St and saw that the lights in Benny's apartment were on he almost flew up the stairs and burst into the apartment. Ben was standing by the window and turned just in time to be enveloped in a bear hug. He stood unresponsive in Ray's arms until Ray stepped back, the smile fading from his face. 

"What's the matter, Benny? Are you mad at me? I told you I was working on this case." 

Ben shook his head and managed to summon up a smile. "I'm not mad, Ray. I've just..." 

"Benny?" Ray put his hand on Ben's shoulder and felt him shiver a little. 

"I think we should slow down a bit, Ray. I don't think I'm ready for this." 

Ray felt his gut twist. "There is something wrong." 

"No. I love you, Ray. I just need more time." He reached out and took Ray into his arms, kissing him gently. But after a moment he drew away again. 

"I guess that means you don't want me to stay?" He could see the tears starting in Ben's eyes. If he stayed any longer he'd be crying too. 

"I'm sorry, Ray." It was hardly more than a whisper. Ray didn't hear it as he headed for the door. 

*

He'd been a fool to neglect Benny that way, he told himself. No wonder he was getting cold feet. Ray made sure he went to see Ben every day, even if only for a few minutes. It seemed to help, Ben was more welcoming, more affectionate, than he had been that night, but he was still holding back and that made Ray very nervous. Added to that, the investigation was progressing at a snail's pace. Ray was having a very bad week. 

Suddenly, though, it seemed as though things might take a turn for the better, at least as far as the investigation was concerned. Ray finally located someone who was willing to give him the dirt on Hughes. He was a disgruntled employee, no surprise there, but he'd been Hughes' accountant for nearly ten years. If Williams couldn't get Hughes sent away, there wasn't much chance of it ever happening. The guy was pretty nervous though, he'd wanted to meet at 3am in a deserted warehouse, much to Ray's disgust. He'd finally agreed to meet Ray at 11pm. 

Ray made the mistake of telling Johnson and Nixon about the meeting. They insisted on fitting him out with a wire, and following him in a van. Might as well take out a full page ad in the newspaper, Ray muttered to himself. It made him late for the meet... and that probably saved his life. When he arrived for the meeting Williams was dead, a single gunshot to the head. It looked like a professional hit, but it wasn't hard to convince the others to get a warrant for Hughes' arrest on the strength of it. Then it was just a matter of getting the paperwork done. Finally, at 5am, they were outside Hughes' door demanding to be let in. 

His smug look as he opened the door made Ray's temper boil. He was sure Hughes was going to weasel out of this one too, somehow. He was right. As soon as they started to tell him what the charges were, Hughes began to laugh. 

"What's so funny, creep?" Ray didn't even realise he'd moved until he'd pushed Hughes up against the wall. The Feds didn't move to interfere, they wanted this man even more badly than Ray did. 

"I'm sorry." Hughes wiped the smile off his face, but still looked pretty pleased with himself. "A murder is no laughing matter. But you can't possibly think I killed that poor bastard." 

"Why can't we?" 

"Well, for one thing, I have an alibi. There's been someone with me all night tonight." 

"Then she'll have to come in for questioning. And you too, of course. If you don't mind." It was an empty gesture, Ray knew, but he needed at least a little revenge for all his trouble. 

"Through there..." Hughes gestured to the door a little further down the hallway. 

"You're a real gentleman, Hughes." 

Ray strode down the hallway followed by Nixon. He knocked, then pushed the door open, his eyes going to the huge bed in the centre of the room. He could barely see the figure in the tangle of bedclothes until a slight stirring revealed a long pale arm. Not a woman's arm. He hadn't expected that, but it was an even worse shock when a familiar dark head lifted and turned dazed blue eyes towards him. 

Ray was waiting by the door when they brought Ben out wearing jeans and a T-shirt. He didn't look at Ray as they led him past and Ray didn't speak, he was too numb to think or to feel anything. Luckily, he'd come over in the Riv and didn't have to travel back to the Precinct with Hughes or Ben. It was bad enough having to sit in on the interrogations along with Nixon and Johnson. He let them do all the talking for as long as he could stand it, and then he got out. 

In the end there was no choice but to let Ben go. And Hughes. Ray read the transcripts, hating himself for doing it, needing to know what Ben had said. But there was nothing... just the bare fact that he'd spent the night with Hughes. While he was reading Johnson stopped by his desk. 

"You knew that guy." It was an accusation. 

"I thought I did..." 

*

By the time it was all over, it was nearly time for Ray to start work again. He could have gone home to sleep, but he didn't want to. He needed something to keep his mind off what had happened, so he started on the backlog of paperwork that he'd been avoiding for weeks. Sometime in the afternoon he ran out of steam, even the coffee couldn't help him make sense of what he was reading. He sat for a while, gathering the energy to get up and walk out. 

Driving home, Ray decided to go see Ben. He really hadn't intended to do that, he'd thought he'd never want to see Ben again, but as the numbness wore off, he was becoming increasingly angry at Ben's betrayal of him. He'd pushed the hurt into the back of his mind, not yet ready to deal with that, but the anger was gnawing at his guts. He needed to do something. 

It was too early for Ben to be home, so he pulled the Riv over some distance down the road from the apartment and waited till he saw Ben going into the building. Dief wasn't with him, which was probably just as well. He walked up the street and entered the apartment building feeling a cold rage surging up inside him. When Ray pushed open the door of the apartment Ben turned and stopped, shock on his face. Ben had already stripped off his red tunic and the bruises on his bare arms were a sickening reminder of the morning. He'd seen them then still fairly new, now they had darkened considerably. 

Ray found he couldn't speak and Ben wasn't saying anything either, just staring at him with that whipped puppy look. That only made Ray madder than ever. He took two long steps and grabbed Ben by the arms, right over the bruises, wanting to hide them. Wanting to hurt him. 

"How could you do that? How could you lie to me like that? Telling me you weren't sure about sleeping with me and then going out and fucking that murdering bastard?" 

"Ray... I didn't know he was the one you were investigating." 

"You think that makes it OK?" 

"No..." Ben took a shaken breath. "I'm sorry, Ray. I can't expect you to trust me after this." 

"Oh, sure. That's convenient isn't it? I want to know why." Ray pushed Ben back against the wall, his face thrust forward so that they were only inches apart. 

"I..." He stopped, shook his head slightly. "They say everyone has a price, don't they?" 

"So you're a whore? You sure act like one." The bitterness in Ray's voice hit home, or maybe the words stung. Ben tried to pull away from him, but Ray wasn't letting go. 

"Ray, this isn't doing either of us any good." 

"I don't care, damn you! If you're a whore, I'll pay. How much?" He pulled out his wallet and held it up between them. When Ben didn't answer Ray tossed the wallet aside, grabbed the front of his undershirt and tore it open. There were even more bruises on his chest, some of them days old. 

"You like it rough, do you? God, I thought I knew you..." 

He was pulling at Ben's pants now, sending buttons flying and Ben wasn't even trying to resist. A part of Ray wondered just how far this was going to go, another part watched emotionlessly, not really caring. When he told Ben to turn around he was obeyed in silence. He jerked Ben's pants and shorts down and, without looking turned away slightly to unzip his own pants and let them fall. It was shocking to realise how aroused he was by the combination of frustrated hunger and cold fury. 

He turned back, seeing for the first time the bruises on Ben's buttocks and thighs, making himself ignore them. He pushed Ben against the wall again, one hand moving to part his buttocks. 

"Ray, if you're going to do this, you should wear a condom." Ben's voice was shaking badly. 

But Ray wasn't going to do anything now. He staggered away from Ben, feeling sick, certainly incapable now of doing what he had intended. He fumbled with his clothing, trying with shaking hands to cover himself and leaning against the wall, glad of its support. He was vaguely aware of Ben doing the same. 

"Ray?" 

"What did he do to you, Benny?" 

Ben looked away uncomfortably, and Ray grabbed him again and shook him. 

"What did that bastard do to you? You're raw back there, did you know? God knows what he's done to you inside... Get changed." 

"What?" 

"Get changed. I'm gonna take you to a clinic, and I doubt you'll want to be seen there in uniform." 

*

The clinic was one where he knew the staff, from his police work. They didn't ask any questions when he took Ben in, just hurried him into an examination room, while Ray waited in reception. The anger had all drained away now, leaving him feeling sick and lost. He still had no idea what Ben had been doing with Hughes, but there was no way that he would have let Hughes do that kind of damage to him willingly. He wished he knew what the hell was going on... 

Ray saw the doctor, Mason, coming down the hallway and intercepted him. 

"How is he?" 

"He'll be out in a minute." Dr Mason looked harassed and overworked, like everyone else at the clinic. He started to move and Ray stopped him by grabbing his arm. 

"I want to know how bad it is." 

"Detective, you know I can't give you information about a patient." 

"This is personal. Besides, I'm his next of kin." 

Dr Mason looked at him wearily, he'd been on duty nearly twenty four hours. "There's some internal tearing and bruising. Not too serious, he won't need surgery. I've arranged for blood tests. The usual STD's. I've advised him to get some counseling, given him a few phone numbers." 

"He's not likely to use them. Is there anything I should know?" 

Dr Mason studied him curiously. "How personal is this?" 

"Very personal." 

"All right. No intercourse for at least six weeks. In fact better to have another check up first. Anything else is OK, but he may not be interested. That's quite normal. Just let him make the choices, what to do and when to do it. If he won't go to a counselor, maybe you should think about going. It would help." 

Ray could see Ben come out of the examination room down the hallway, he started towards him but Mason caught hold of his sleeve. "One other thing... you'll feel a lot of anger towards the guy that did this, but don't give way to it in front of him. It usually makes things worse." 

"Thanks, doc." 

He went to get Ben. He knew what to do next... took him to the pharmacy, and the lab for the blood tests, then bundled him into the Riv. He drove Ben back to the apartment, picking up Dief at Willie's place on the way. 

Back in the apartment they couldn't look each other in the eye and Ray, now his anger was turned aside, didn't know what to say. His own violence towards someone he was supposed to love had shaken him to the core. Ben pulled a foil strip and a tube of ointment out of his jacket pocket and dropped it on the table next to a large envelope. Ray nudged the foil. 

"That's all he gave you?" 

Ben nodded. "They seem very large. I didn't know they made pills that big." 

Ray stared at him. "Benny, they're not pills. Didn't he tell you what to do with them?" 

A tiny frown appeared on Ben's face, as he realised what he'd been given. Then he turned away, his hands coming up to press against his face, taking in a shuddering breath. Ray was there beside him in an instant, holding him in his arms, cradling his head against his shoulder. 

Before he knew it, they were kissing. Ray wasn't at all sure about this, but Ben seemed to need it desperately. He was fumbling with Ray's clothes trying to undress him. Ray caught his hands gently. 

"Benny... maybe we shouldn't do this right now..." 

"Please, Ray... I want it..." He shuddered as his fingers touched Ray's bare skin, began backing him towards the bed. Ray gave way. He'd go just as far as Benny wanted and not a step further. 

Only a few minutes later, it was getting difficult to remember the promise he'd made himself, as Ben's naked body pressed against his. He wrapped his arms around Ben and just held onto him as the long tremors shook him and then left him limp and exhausted. 

*

It was very early in the morning when Ray woke, Ben still held in his arms. He listened to the quiet sound of his breathing for a while, not yet ready to face whatever was going to happen once Ben woke. He still had no idea what Ben had been doing to get involved with Hughes, but he knew now it wasn't a simple betrayal as he had first thought. When Ben began to stir, Ray's heart began to beat faster from sheer nervousness. 

"Benny?" Ray whispered the word, not wanting to frighten him, wondering if Ben had ever woken in Hughes' arms. The thought sickened him. 

Ben lifted his head and stared at him blankly for a moment, then he smiled a little, shakily. Ray lifted his head just enough to brush his lips against Ben's, then let it drop back to the pillow and Ben eased back down into his arms. 

"Benny..." He couldn't bring himself to start asking the questions he needed to have answered, so he changed what he was going to say. "Want some breakfast?" 

He went over to the kitchen to make coffee and toast, tossing a couple of slices to Dief and carrying the rest back to the bed. He sat facing Ben while they ate and then climbed in beside him. He had a feeling it would be easier for both of them if he couldn't see Ben's face while they talked. 

"How did that bastard get his hands on you, Benny?" 

Ben took in a deep breath, Ray could feel his body tensing against him and it was a moment before he spoke. 

"He called me. I didn't know who he was. He said he'd found some information that could get you in a lot of trouble, that he wanted to talk to me about it. He said he knew I was a friend and that maybe I could help him decide what to do about it. He sounded... sympathetic, I suppose..." 

"God, Benny, only you'd think the best of that creep!" Ray regretted his outburst immediately, when he felt Ben flinch slightly. 

"He was very plausible, Ray." 

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Benny." 

"When I met him, I could tell he didn't really want to help. He said he'd been watching you. That he'd been trying to decide what to do. Then he said he knew we were lovers. I told him we weren't, but he just laughed and showed me a photo of us kissing, here, and he said he knew you'd spent the night here..." 

"He showed me some papers and photos that he said proved you were taking bribes. He even had information about a bank account in your name with thousands of dollars in it." 

"And you believed him?" Ray was getting angry, and trying very hard not to show it. 

"Of course not. But the evidence would have convinced anyone who didn't know you. If he'd given it to IA, you would have gone to jail." 

When Ben didn't continue, Ray said softly "What did you do?" 

"I tried to reason with him. I said that you were honest, that I could prove it, given a little time. He just laughed and said he'd need a lot of convincing... he wasn't talking about evidence, of course. That was obvious... I asked him what he wanted." 

"I can guess." 

Ben nodded against Ray's shoulder. "He said if I had sex with him, he wouldn't send the papers to IA. I told him I'd have to think about it, but he said if I left he'd send them to IA immediately... so I agreed." 

Ray's arms tightened around Ben, and he kissed the dark hair that was all he could see, wondering if he could have brought himself to do the same thing for Ben. Ben's next words were muffled against Ray's shoulder. 

"I thought that I could just switch off somehow, and that it wouldn't matter what he did. But I couldn't do it." He shuddered, remembering. "...after it was over, I asked him for the papers. He said he hadn't made up his mind, that I'd have to come back the next day." 

"How long did it go on for, Benny?" 

"Five days." 

Ray started counting back the days. "That night I came round? It was that night? Oh God, Benny, why didn't you tell me?" 

"I couldn't. I never wanted you to find out about this." He was shaking uncontrollably, Ray could feel tears against his skin, but he had to know the rest. 

"What happened, Benny? What did he do to you?" 

"It doesn't matter..." 

"He hurt you Benny." 

"He wasn't rough at first... at least... not very rough. But that last night... he told me if I stayed all night, and did everything he wanted, he'd give me the papers. I wasn't really sure he'd do it, but I couldn't take the chance. By then it hardly seemed to matter anyway, after all that had happened... but he was really tense, nervous... and he started going crazy. I wanted to fight him off, but..." 

"You were afraid he'd renege." 

"Yes." Ben's voice was just a whisper. Ray's arms tightened painfully, then released him and Ray swung himself out of the bed and grabbed for his clothes. Ben sat up. "Ray, where are you going?" 

Ray's face, when it turned to him was almost unrecognisable with rage. "I'm going to kill that bastard." 

"No!" Ben flung himself at Ray, throwing his arms around him. 

"Let me go, Benny." 

"No. Ray, what good would it do? It won't change what's happened... and if you think it would help me, or your family, to see you in jail for murder, you're mistaken... please, Ray. I need you." It was probably the only thing that could have stopped him, but he was still shaking with the urge to kill. 

"He raped you, Benny..." 

"No. He didn't. I had a choice and I made it. I always had a choice." Ben was vehement. Ray didn't accept that reasoning for a moment, but if Ben needed to believe it right now, he wasn't going to argue with him. Ben's voice dropped. "Come back to bed, Ray. Please." 

Ray allowed Ben to lead him back to the bed and they lay holding each other until Ray's trembling stopped and he was able to think straight again. He pushed himself up on his elbow and stared at Ben, a puzzled frown on his face. 

"You know, this doesn't make any sense. I've talked to just about everyone who knows Hughes and they've all said he was a womaniser, but nobody said anything about him being gay." 

"I dare say he wouldn't want that to be known, Ray." 

"Maybe not, but with someone like him, there'd at least be rumours. You can't keep it hidden when you're that well known." He thought about it for a while. "Why did he bring you into it at all? If he had that stuff on me, why didn't he just use it? He couldn't have had you in mind when he started... he must have found out about us and decided he could use it somehow... Shit! The alibi! He wanted you for his alibi." 

"That would mean he had it planned well in advance." 

"Yeah, even before Williams came to see me..." 

"But Williams was the only one who died. And why kill him, if it was a setup?" 

"I was late... if the hit man didn't know, he might have just decided to cut his losses, take out the only one who turned up. Hughes wouldn't give a damn about Williams, he'd have him killed just to make it look good... and if he planned it that far in advance Williams couldn't have been the real target, it must have been me. And then using my lover as his alibi... he would have really loved that..." 

Ben suddenly understood Ray's urge to kill Hughes. If his plan had succeeded, there would have been nothing that could have stopped Ben from killing him, he would have had nothing left to lose. He drew Ray down into his arms again, needing to feel him there, safe, alive... 

"Benny, how much of that 'evidence' can you remember? It might give us a few clues about how it was faked..." 

"I've got it here. On the table." 

Ray was out of the bed and across the room, picking up the envelope from the table. "This?" 

Ben nodded and Ray brought it back to the bed. He spread the contents over Ben's chest and started sorting through it. Ben had been right, it looked very damaging. The photos showed him talking to a couple of men on a street corner. He couldn't even remember meeting them, but the writing on the back identified them as couriers for the Mob. Another photo showed him taking an envelope from another man, also apparently a mobster. That, he remembered. The guy had asked him for directions and handed him the envelope to draw a map on the back. Most of the papers were copies of police files, cases he'd worked on. And the bankbook... he whistled, wishing he really did have that kind of money. 

"Hughes just gave you these?" 

"No, Ray. After I was released, I went over to his house. I had a pretty good idea where he'd hidden them, and I suspected you'd keep him for as long as possible. I only hope that he didn't keep a backup copy somewhere else." 

"We'll find out soon enough, I guess." 

Ray pushed all the mess off the bed and lay down again and Ben moved into his arms. They lay in silence as the light grew brighter against the wall until Ben finally stirred reluctantly. 

"I have to get ready for work, Ray." 

"Damn it, Benny, you're not in any shape to go to work today. I'll call in and tell them you're not coming." 

"But..." 

"No buts. Besides, you really should be using the... the medication, and you're supposed to stay lying down for a while, afterwards." 

They both looked over at the table, neither of them wanting to think about what using the medication involved. Ray kissed Ben gently on the cheek and stroked his hair. 

"Do you want me to help you?" 

Ben nodded, his eyes downcast, and Ray went to get the foil and the ointment from the table. When he got back to the bed he could feel Ben was already shaking. He stroked a pale shoulder. 

"It'll be OK, Benny... just roll onto your side." 

It was horrible... Ben lay on his side, his knees drawn up, tense as an overwound spring as Ray gently smoothed ointment into the raw skin around his anus. When that was done Ray tore open the end of the foil and extracted the suppository. It was coated with a slick gel which ought to help, but Ben was so tense he knew this was going to be difficult. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Ben any more... 

"Benny, try to relax a little, OK?" Great suggestion, Vecchio, he thought... is that the best you can do? Then he thought of something that he'd seen a paramedic use once. "Just let yourself go limp, Benny, completely limp." 

The muscles under his hand slackened and before he could think too much or give Ben time to tense up again, he slid the suppository in gently as he could. He knew it had to be as far in as possible and his finger slid inside, withdrawing as quickly and carefully as possible. He heard Ben gasp and begin to shake again, but it was already over. He pulled the covers up over Ben and went to wash his hands and to be sick. 

Ben was lying silently with his eyes closed when he got back to the bed. He slid in beside him, holding him as the tremors turned to sobs, muffled against his chest, and Ben's arms wrapped around his waist painfully tight. He tried to keep control, for Ben's sake, but suddenly it was just too much for him to bear. He pressed his face into the pillow but couldn't hide the sobs that wracked his body and he felt Ben move, shifting his grip until their wet cheeks were pressed together and they were giving and receiving comfort in equal measure. 

*

It was well into the morning before Ray felt able to leave Ben. He'd called the Consulate and the Precinct to let them know neither he nor Ben would be working that day and he was planning on going to both places to do some explaining he wasn't prepared to do in front of Ben. But his first stop was going to be the hardest... 

His mother exclaimed in shock when she saw him. He looked like hell, he knew. Unshaven, clothing crumpled and his eyes swollen from crying. He put her off and headed upstairs for a shower and shave, hoping he'd feel more able to talk to her afterwards. 

He felt better for the clean up, but still wasn't anything like prepared to tell his mother the things he knew she had to know. He'd decided to tell her everything. If she couldn't accept it, he didn't know what he'd do. 

She was waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs, looking worried. "What's happened, caro?" 

He took her hands and led her into the lounge, sat opposite her on the couch, still searching for a way to start. 

"Benny's been hurt, Ma..." 

She looked like she'd expected this. "Is it very bad?" 

"Physically, no. He'll get over it pretty quickly. But emotionally... he's been raped, Ma..." 

He couldn't go on, for a moment. His mother's hands tightened on his, but she didn't say a word, sensing he needed space to think about what he was going to say. Finally he looked up and met her eyes. 

"There's something I gotta tell you, Ma, and you're not gonna like it... Benny and I, we're more than just friends... a lot more. We'd just started... we're lovers, Ma, well sort of..." He took a deep breath, he couldn't remember when he'd last been so scared as he was now. "I love him. I have to be with him, I just came back to get some things... aren't you going to say something?" 

"What do you want me to say Raimondo? To give you my blessing? You know I can't do that. Benton is a fine young man, and this is a terrible thing that's happened to him, but that doesn't make what you're doing right... " She paused and he closed his eyes, waiting for her to throw him out, disown him, God knew what. 

"Still, you would not be my son if you didn't stand by your friend, caro. That, at least, I can understand. Go and take care of him, we can talk about this again later. But this is still your home. And when Benton is well enough, he is still welcome here." 

His eyes flew open to see her looking at him, her face full of sympathy. For the second time that morning, he burst into tears. 

*

The Consulate was his next stop, and, if facing his mother was the most difficult thing for him to do, facing Meg Thatcher was the scariest. If he didn't do this right it wouldn't be him who suffered for it, it would be Ben. He had no idea how much he should tell her, it all depended on how she reacted and he was painfully aware of how she usually reacted to him... he'd have to feel his way. It made him think of those guys who walked across tightropes blindfolded. 

Inside the Consulate, Ray waited nervously. He'd expected to have to shove his way into Thatcher's office. Instead, he'd been asked politely to wait while she finished a meeting with some dignitary. Ten minutes had never seemed to go more slowly but he was still feeling completely unprepared when he was ushered in. 

Meg Thatcher looked at him from across her desk and he gulped, she certainly didn't look like she was in a good mood. Her eyes narrowed as she took in his appearance, he'd taken the precaution of wearing his most sober suit, white shirt and a very restrained tie, but he knew he still looked pretty seedy. That obviously didn't help. 

"What have you done with Fraser?" Her voice was icy. 

"Done?" For a moment he wondered if she could tell they'd been lying naked together in the same bed, but that was patently ridiculous... he hoped. "I haven't done anything. He's sick." He could feel his temper rising, but couldn't afford to give way to it, for Benny's sake. 

"And you kindly called in for him... What about yesterday?" 

"Yesterday?" God, he didn't want to think about yesterday, then he realised what she was saying. "You mean he didn't come to work?" 

"I assumed you were aware of that." She was looking skeptical. 

"No. He was wearing his uniform..." Oh God, poor Benny... 

She didn't trust him, he knew, and she was starting to realise that something was very wrong. He couldn't think straight... worse, he couldn't find a plausible lie to tell her. And if she caught him out it would be a disaster. He decided to tell her the truth, as little as possible of it. 

"He was taken into the Precinct for questioning early yesterday morning. Just as a witness. But he was pretty upset about it, I guess... I didn't see him till the evening, I just thought he'd been to work..." 

"I see. And just how sick is he? When will he be back?" 

"Uh... I don't know. A few days... maybe a week." 

Her eyes narrowed. He couldn't tell what she was thinking, he sat in silence waiting for her next move. 

"So. Fraser's been arrested. Again. Then he just doesn't show up for work. And today he's conveniently sick. If he looks as bad as you, I can understand why he hasn't come in. What's going on Detective? What's he done now?" 

"He hasn't done anything!" Except throw himself into the hands of a rapist to save Ray's butt... He threw himself out of the chair and stalked to the window, if he didn't watch out, he'd be crying again. He didn't think that would help Benny at all. He fought for control, expecting Thatcher to attack at any moment, but it didn't come and, reluctantly, he turned back and sat in the chair again. 

She inspected him carefully for a long time, and he forced himself to remain still and silent under her scrutiny. Finally she sighed. "If Ben's in trouble, you'd better tell me. I can't help him if I don't know what's happened." 

"He's not in trouble. At least, not officially. He just got involved, accidentally, in a case I was working on. But he got hurt, and it's going to take him a while to get over it." 

"How badly was he hurt? Is he in hospital?" 

Ray shook his head. Her concern was even more unnerving that her anger had been. "He's seen a doctor. He just needs rest, and time. I'm... I'll be staying with him for a while." 

"I'll come and see him tonight." 

Ray flinched at the thought of that... "I don't think that's a good idea, right now" he said carefully. 

"Det Vecchio, you'd better tell me what's really going on here, or I'll be visiting Ben to find out for myself." 

It seemed like he had nothing left to lose. He couldn't let her interrogate Ben, not in the state he was in. 

"OK. I'll tell you. Just leave Benny alone, he's not up to talking about this..." She didn't respond, but he went on anyway. "I've been working on a corruption case with the FBI. The guy we were investigating faked some pretty convincing evidence to implicate me. Then he decided to use it to blackmail Benny..." 

"Blackmail, how?" 

"He made Benny have sex with him." He ignored her gasp, he couldn't afford to react emotionally to what he was saying. "That's how Benny got arrested... we found them together... I think it was a setup, so that Benny would provide an alibi for him. He hurt Benny pretty badly..." 

He could hardly get the words out, his voice was shaking so badly. He bowed his head so she wouldn't see the tears gathering in his eyes. He'd thought he couldn't possibly have any tears left after this morning, but it was beginning to seem like he had an endless supply. A hand touched his shoulder and a box of tissues was dropped into his lap, then he heard the door open and close quietly. 

When she came back, he was standing at the window again, his composure at least nominally restored. She sat behind the desk, her manner brisk, but he could see she'd been crying too. 

"Is there anything that Ben needs?" 

"No. The physical... effects... will heal soon enough. That's not what worries me..." 

"What about therapy?" 

"Benny? Are you kidding?" He couldn't help smiling at the thought. "He'd rather jump off a cliff. He does that, you know." 

"I know." She smiled a little too. "Tell him to take as much time as he needs. God knows, he's got enough sick leave." 

"Thanks." He rose to leave, but she stopped him with a word. 

"Ray." 

He turned, startled by her use of his given name. "Yeah?" 

"You and Ben..." She stopped, knowing she had no right to ask. But she'd been far more understanding than he could ever have hoped for. 

"Yeah. That's right." 

"I had no idea, I mean..." 

"It came as a surprise to us, too." And that seemed to belong in another lifetime now. 

"Well, take care of him." 

"I will." 

*

The Precinct would be easy, he'd thought. Wrong. Everyone knew how Ben had been brought in yesterday. They all seemed to be staring at him. Elaine went past looking dazed and teary eyed. Nixon and Johnson were in Welsh's office and pounced on him as soon as he stuck his head in the door. 

"Hold it. This is personal. And private. We can talk later." Much later, if he had his way... 

Lt Welsh looked at his face then ushered the protesting Feds out the door. 

"I take it this is about the big red one?" 

"Yeah..." It didn't get any easier, trying to tell the story. 

"Are you going to tell me, or shall we play Twenty Questions?" 

"It's about yesterday..." 

"Somehow I thought it might be. Spit it out." 

"Hughes was blackmailing Benny into having sex with him... he had some papers and photos faked to make me look bent, that's what he used... We think he wanted Benny for his alibi, and that means the shooting was a setup, he must have been planning it for at least a week." 

There was a long silence. The Welsh shifted in his seat and sighed. "And Fraser did that for you?" 

Ray nodded. It still amazed and terrified him that Benny could have done that for him. 

Welsh looked down at his desk. "Shit." 

"Yeah." 

"OK. Better start from the beginning." 

He told Welsh everything Benny had told him. Then he gave him the envelope. He knew what would happen, but strangely, he didn't care. All he wanted was to get back to Benny and take care of him. 

*

Ben was asleep when Ray eased his way in the door with a bag full of clothing and toiletries. He put them down carefully and went over to the bed. He hadn't made a sound, he was sure, but Ben's eyes opened and stared up at him and his lips moved in the faintest of smiles. He looked so... wounded... it was heartrending, but Ray couldn't let himself fall apart. He sat on the edge of the bed and touched Ben's cheek and Ben pushed himself up into his arms. 

He held Ben for a while in silence then he kissed the top of his head. "You wanna hear about my day, Benny?" 

"What did you do, Ray?" 

"Well, I went home and got some of my things... I'm gonna stay with you a while, if that's OK?" 

Ben's arms tightened. "Don't be silly, Ray, of course it's OK." 

Ray could hear the smile in Ben's voice, and answered it with a smile of his own, even though Ben couldn't see it. "And I told Ma about us." He heard a tiny indrawn breath. "She's OK about it. Not real happy, but OK. She said I can still bring you over to visit." 

"What else have you done, Ray?" Ben's voice was shaking. 

"I talked to Meg and told her you'd been hurt and she said to take as much time as you need to get over it..." 

"Meg?" 

"Yeah, Meg. She's not so bad, you know..." 

"I know. I just didn't think you did. Did you tell her what really happened?" 

"...Yeah. She was kinda suspicious at first. I tried to sort of edge around it, but she's too sharp." Ray's arms tightened a little. "I told Welsh too, Benny." 

"Is there anyone you haven't told, Ray? How am I going to face any of these people again?" Ben's voice sounded more frightened than angry, but the anger was there. 

"I didn't have much choice, Benny. If I'd known you didn't go to work yesterday, that might have helped with Thatcher, but Welsh already knew most of it, remember?" 

There was a shaken silence and Ray cursed himself. After what Benny had done for him, he had to chew him out over this? "I'm sorry, Benny." 

"No. I'm sorry... it can't have been easy for you..." 

"You ain't kidding... But they were all pretty good about it. I'm off the case though. And the good news is, I've been suspended..." 

Benny pulled free of his arms and stared at him in horror. 

"It's OK, Benny. It's just for the record, Welsh doesn't believe that shit for a minute. He needs for you to come in and make another statement tomorrow. He'll find out how it was faked, maybe they can get Hughes that way... anyway, I wanted some time off and now I've got it. You want the really good news now?" 

"I'm almost afraid to ask, considering what you think of as good news." 

Ray grinned, feeling really pleased with himself. "I called the owner of that holiday house. We can have it for the next week. We can drive down tomorrow, if you're up to it..." 

He saw the answer in Benny's smile. 

*

Before they could leave, they had to go back to the Precinct. Ben didn't say anything, but Ray was dreading it. Yesterday had been bad enough, he didn't know what kind of reception Ben was likely to get from the people he had regarded only a few days ago as his friends. 

As soon as they entered the room, a silence fell. Officers turned and stared at them as they walked past, but nobody spoke. Ben didn't seem to react, but Ray moved closer and put a hand lightly on his shoulder. He'd never felt such a sense of relief going into Welsh's office before. 

"Thank you for coming in, Constable." Ray had never seen Welsh acting so formal. Somehow it seemed to make it easier for Ben, he could feel the muscles relaxing a little under his hand. "If you don't mind accompanying me to the interview room?" 

When Ray turned to go with them the lieutenant stopped. "Not you, Vecchio. You've been involved in this case, if you remember." 

"With all due respect, sir, I'm not letting him do this on his own. Besides, I'm suspended." 

"Ray..." 

"No, Benny. I'm coming with you." Ben subsided immediately. It was obvious that he wanted Ray there. 

Welsh sighed. "All right. I'll square it somehow." 

Going back through the office was no easier the second time. He glared at anyone who'd meet his eyes, but that wasn't many of them. It seemed to take a very long time to get to the interview room. 

They all sat at the table and Welsh pulled out a note pad and pencil. "Better start from the top, Constable." 

It was an ordeal for both of them. Ben had pushed down all his emotions as much as possible, preparing himself for this. Ray had watched him, this morning, psyching himself, but it hadn't been enough. He could hear it in his voice, see it in the tension in his hands and arms and shoulders. It hurt to watch him falter and struggle to recover. It hurt to hear the things that Ben hadn't told him before, recited in that beautiful voice which couldn't conceal what the speaker was feeling. Most of all, it hurt to know that what Ben was telling Welsh at such cost to himself would, inevitably, find its way around the Precinct so that anybody who bothered to read his statement could snigger over it. 

Finally, Ben faltered and couldn't continue. Ray exchanged looks with Welsh. "It's OK, Benny. Take a break." 

Ben dropped his head onto his arms, folded on the table, and Ray leaned forward to hold him gently. He could tell by Ben's breathing that he was trying not to cry and he was all too close to tears himself. He'd completely forgotten that Welsh was in the room until he heard the scrape of a chair being pushed back and footsteps heading for the door. 

He was still holding Ben when Welsh came back. Ben stirred slightly and Ray released him and took a long look at his face. "Are you sure you're ready to go on with this Benny?" 

Ben nodded. "I'll be all right, Ray." He took the glass that Welsh held out to him and sipped the water. Then he brushed his fingers across his eyes, wiping away the few tears that had escaped. Ray caught hold of Ben's hand and held it in both of his as the interview continued. 

It seemed to Ray that the interview went on for hours, but in reality it was just over an hour and a half. They waited in the interview room while Welsh took the notes to be typed up, but neither of them felt like talking and it wasn't very long before he was back. Ben signed the statement and they were free to leave. 

Welsh escorted them to the front door and then in a surprise move, he held out his hand. "Thank you for you cooperation, Constable. You've been a great help." 

Ray, looking around, saw a few cops openly staring, taking in Welsh's gesture. He allowed Ben to get a few steps ahead of him. "Thanks, Lou." 

"My pleasure. Don't come back till next week." 

Ray grinned. "No danger of that." The Riv was already packed, Dief was sitting in the back seat. In just over two hours they'd be relaxing on the lakeside. 

*

"Wanna go for a walk, Benny?" Ray stretched and yawned, it was a cloudy night, but with little risk of rain and after four days at the lakeside, Ben was looking a hell of a lot better. Dief stood, looking at them hopefully. Ben smothered a smile. Ray had been encouraging him to go for walks, trying to do things he thought Ben would like... the sort of things that Ray never usually wanted to do. But he got up and pulled on his jacket and went for the walk. 

They strolled along, more at Ray's normal pace than Ben's and didn't pay much attention to where they were going, until Ben realised suddenly that they were in the clearing they'd visited the last time they were down here. He stopped. 

"Something wrong, Benny?" Ray came hurrying back to him, obviously not knowing where they were. 

"No, I'm fine, Ray." But it was strange to be here, after all that had happened. He put his arms around Ray, holding him loosely. Ray smiled at him and he realised that he hadn't touched Ray like this since... since they'd arrived. They were sleeping in the same bed, bare skinned, but during the daytime he hadn't touched Ray at all. Memories of their last visit flooded him... they'd lain on the ground, just over there... Ray's arms tightened suddenly and he realised he was trembling. 

"Benny?" 

"It's OK. I just recognised..." 

Ray looked around, then it sank in. "Oh God, Benny. I'm sorry." 

"Don't be, I was just taken by surprise, that's all." He kissed Ray gently, something else he hadn't done for a while, and they stood, listening to the sounds of the night. Then Ray sighed. 

"Better get back, Benny. It's late." 

Back at the house, Ben had no real desire to go to bed. He started to build up the fire again, the weather was noticeably cooler than it had been just a few weeks ago. 

"Aren't you coming to bed, Benny?" 

"Later, Ray. I'm not really tired." It was only partly true. He knew he was having nightmares, and wanted to let Ray get some undisturbed sleep. 

"Neither am I." Ray's reaction was predictable. He'd been watching Ben closely, trying not to show it, but every time Ben did something he considered even slightly out of character, Ray would start to look tense and nervous. 

"Go to bed, Ray. I'm fine." 

Ray flopped into the armchair, leaving Ben the couch to himself. In a few minutes his head was drooping. Ben waited. After about fifteen minutes of fighting off sleep, Ray got up and left the room. He didn't say goodnight and Ben wondered if he was upset, but moments later he was back with an armful of bedding. 

"Gimme a hand, will ya?" 

"Ray, what are you doing?" 

"Making the bed, what does it look like?" Ray finished arranging the quilts and sheets and headed back for the pillows and extra blankets. Ben smiled reluctantly. 

Soon they were both in the cocoon of bedding, and the only light was coming from the fire. This was the exact place where they had kissed for the first time, and it still held that slightly magical aura they'd created that night. They lay facing each other and Ray reached out to stroke Ben's cheek and hair lightly and then they snuggled together as they had every night and drifted off to sleep. 

*

Ray woke with a smothered gasp and lay as still as he could, his heart beating fast. Ben was lying against his right side, one arm lying limp across Ray's chest. When he didn't stir, Ray relaxed a little, but he knew it was only a temporary reprieve. Why, tonight of all nights, did he have to wake up with an erection throbbing so insistently that he could feel the force of it through his whole body? He couldn't do anything about it without waking Ben, even trying to slip out to the bathroom would most likely wake him, and once he was awake he was bound to notice. He noticed everything. 

Ray gritted his teeth and tried to will himself to go back to sleep. It didn't work, but then he hadn't really expected it to. He was just trying to nerve himself to slide free of the covers and sneak out of the room when Ben stirred beside him. 

"Ray...?" 

"Go back to sleep, Benny. I'm just going to the bathroom." He took a chance and sat up, but the movement made his swollen cock brush against the sheet and sent a raw shock through him. He almost cried out, and then felt Ben's hands on his shoulders. 

"Ray, what's wrong?" 

Ray couldn't answer. Ben's hands moved over him, carefully shifting aside the bedding. Even Ray could smell the pungent scent of his own arousal and it seemed to hit Ben like a blow. Ray could feel the instinctive recoil. He pulled away. 

"Don't worry, Benny. I'll just go to the bathroom..." 

But Ben's arms were sliding around him, holding him gently. "No. It's all right. Stay here." 

Warm lips brushed his shoulder, sending shivers through him as Ben pulled him back down to the floor. He let Ben touch him, remaining passive under the gentle fingers, but gradually he realised that Ben wasn't going to touch him where he needed it most. The brush of fingertips over his chest was sending delicious shivers through him, but Ben wasn't going any lower than his waist. He moaned, not knowing what he should do about it. Ben nuzzled his ear and cheek with his lips and tongue. 

"Touch yourself, Ray." 

Ray turned his head, more than a little shocked and Ben captured his mouth for a moment. "You sure about this, Benny?" 

"Yes..." It was just a sigh. Ben began to circle his nipple with a fingertip, slowly driving him crazy with desire. Ray's hand reached down, under the covers, and found the shaft of his cock. It throbbed once, painfully, at his touch and he closed his fingers around it. 

Ray hadn't done this, jerked off in front of someone else, since he was a kid, just finding out what an erection was and what to do with it. He felt a mixture of shame, guilt and arousal almost forgotten since those long ago days... until Ben drew back the covers, exposing him, and he realised that Ben was enjoying this with him. He could even feel the slow stirring of Ben's cock against his thigh. He let himself relax into the sensations. Ben was half supporting him, his cheek pressed against Ray's, staring down at the slow movement of Ray's hand over the dark cock, while his free hand slowly teased Ray's nipple. Ray was trying to draw it out, hoping to wait until Ben was ready too, but it was a hopeless task. He felt the familiar initial tremor and then his body took control, spilling his essence over his belly in a hot gush. 

Ray wouldn't allow himself the luxury of the afterglow. As soon as he could move, he turned to Ben and eased him down, his pale body shimmering with the faint reflected glow of the dying fire. His cock was swollen but not erect and his face was unreadable. Ray kissed him slowly, considering his next move. 

"Benny?" 

A trembling hand took Ray's and held it to the flat belly, just below the navel. He stroked slowly and leaned over first to kiss Ben's lips and then to travel slowly down the column of his throat and over the broad chest, pausing frequently to investigate, finally reaching the pale nipples. He licked and sucked them until they gleamed with his saliva and Ben was moaning softly under his breath. Only then did he allow his hand to stray downwards to the turgid cock. 

Ben made a single guttural moan when Ray touched him and then was silent, holding his breath until his head spun while those long slender fingers fondled his rapidly hardening cock. When, finally, he released the breath he was gasping for air, his chest heaving against the mobile lips and tongue. Ray drew back for a moment and looked at him and then his hand withdrew too. Ben let out a moan of pure need and heard Ray's voice reassuring him. Then the hand was replaced on his cock, spreading it with a slippery substance that Ben's dazed mind finally identified as Ray's own ejaculate. The realisation sent a shudder through him, as Ray's hand squeezed and stroked him to the point of ecstasy, and beyond. 

*

In the morning, it was almost impossible to believe that it had happened... Ben woke first and lay for a long time staring at Ray's sleeping face, his mind trying to grasp what they had done. They were lovers. Incredibly, wonderfully, they were lovers... even though the thought of what Ray might want from him in the future terrified and repulsed him, he knew that this was what they were meant to be. Somehow he would have to learn, if not to want the same things, then at least to hide from Ray the truth about how he felt. He put the thought aside, for the moment, and allowed the joy to well up and overflow, covering the hurt places inside him and easing the pain for a while. 

He was still staring at Ray's face when the long lashes stirred and lifted. Gray-green eyes studied him carefully for a moment and then smiled into his. Ray moved the few inches needed to press his mouth softly against Ben's and drew back again. 

"Morning, lover..." 

So he felt it too... Ben's heart was pounding as he drew Ray into his arms, but Ray made no moves on him, just lay contentedly with his cheek pressed to Ben's shoulder, his arms wrapped around him. 

In fact, Ray was feeling just as overwhelmed as Ben... he'd never considered what had happened between him and Benny that awful day he'd found him with Hughes to be lovemaking, and Benny didn't seem to remember it at all. No, last night had been their first time, and he could still hardly believe it had happened. His first waking thought had been to wonder how Benny was feeling about it, but he seemed all right, so now he was able to relax in his lover's arms and listen while the pounding of his heart slowly eased. 

His lover's arms... he liked that... this was the body that had trembled under his hands last night... the nipples, soft now, that had peaked to hardness against his tongue... the cock that he'd held in his hand, burning with an inner fire as it spewed out his seed into the night air... Benny... his lover... so beautiful, so wounded, it almost broke his heart. 

*

They'd continued to sleep in the nest of bedding on the floor and there had been no more nightmares. Ray knew that Ben had been having them, though he'd tried to hide it, but somehow this place seemed to protect him... it felt as though nothing could harm them here. They hadn't made love again, but that was OK, what they had discovered that night was too precious to be used lightly. One day perhaps, they would be able to make love as easily as they had with others, in the past. What mattered right now was the connection they'd made, that seemed to give Ben the sense of security he so desperately needed. Ray just hoped it would survive the move back to the city in the morning. He wished they could stay here forever. 

*

It seemed like there was only bad news when they got back to Chicago. In spite of all Welsh's efforts they hadn't been able to tie any of the faked documents to Hughes. Ray was just relieved that they had been able to prove that they really were fakes. Over his protests, Welsh had assigned him back to the investigation. There was no way he could discuss it with Ben, and he'd rather not be involved at all. He'd hoped to be a free agent. That was probably why Welsh had insisted... 

*

Ray turned over one more time, twisting the bedsheets around him even more and stared at the ceiling of his darkened bedroom. Three am and he hadn't had a wink of sleep. In the week since they'd come back to Chicago, the peace he and Ben had found had almost completely dissipated, only the deep bond they'd made for themselves had endured. And tonight was the first night he hadn't slept with Ben. 

He'd taken Ben to see his family a couple of days after they'd got back and, for a first meeting under very changed circumstances, it had gone quite well. Then his mother had gently reminded him that this house was his home... of course, Ben had insisted that Ray start sleeping at home again, Ray had refused and they'd almost had an argument right there in front of the family. Finally, after a couple more days of what Ben called discussions and he called fights, he'd said he would spend one, and only one, night at home. Tonight was the night. 

It wasn't just that he was worried about Ben, alone in the apartment... he missed the solid bulk and warmth of his lover against his side. His lover... He sat up and started to disentangle himself from the bedding. Damn it, he belonged with Benny, he didn't want to be anywhere else, even if it meant sleeping cramped in that incredibly uncomfortable bed. It didn't take long for him to throw on some clothes and sneak out of the house. 

Sneaking into Ben's apartment was another matter... there were still no locks on the door, something he'd been trying to convince Ben to change, but the thought of how Ben might react to someone coming into his room in the early hours of the morning almost had him deciding to camp out in the hallway. The decision was taken out of his hands. The door opened and Ben was standing there in his red longjohns, Dief at his side. 

"Ray? What are you doing here?" 

"I couldn't sleep. How did you know I was here?" 

"Dief." 

Ray grinned. "I knew there was a reason for keeping him... Hey, boy." He ruffled the white fur and Dief turned back into the apartment, satisfied. "So, can I come in?" 

Ben stepped aside, and Ray slid inside the door and wrapped his arms around him. Ben felt tense. 

"You OK?" 

Ben nodded. Ray didn't believe him for a moment. He looked past Ben and saw the tangled bedding, even worse than his own had been. "Having nightmares, Benny?" 

"Yes..." 

Ray tightened his hold and nuzzled his cheek a little. "I'm here now. You'll be OK, love." 

He heard Ben take a shuddering breath, close to a sob, and then relax into his embrace. He backed towards the bed, drawing Ben down with him. They could worry about tidying the mess later. 

In the morning they had another squabble, but Ben's heart obviously wasn't in it. Even so, he wasn't going to give in easily, not until Ray came up with an argument even Ben couldn't dispute. 

"Damn it, Benny. I didn't live at home when I was married to Ange. This isn't so different. Not to me, anyway. 

Ben opened his mouth to reply and froze. After a moment he managed to close it again, then tears began to roll down his cheeks. Ray grabbed him and they held each other tightly until Ben could speak again. 

"Ray... did you really... I mean..." 

Ray pulled back enough that he could brush away the last few tears from Ben's face. He was smiling slightly. "What did I say, Benny?" 

Ben smiled back at him, still a little shaky. "I love you, Ray..." 

"Well that's OK, then." He kissed Ben firmly. "So, no more arguing. I'll tell Ma that I'm moving in here. If she wants me to sleep at the house, then you're staying there with me." 

Ben looked doubtful, but didn't say anything. 

*

It was a lot easier telling Ben his decision than it was to tell his mother. She wasn't pleased at all. He didn't push it, just told her and left her to think about it, he had plenty of other things on his mind. 

Like Hughes. They still had nothing that would stick on him and it was driving him crazy to think that this bastard who'd hurt Ben was still loose. He hadn't discussed it with Ben, fearing that it would upset him too much and because he could hardly talk about it for more than a few minutes without totally blowing his cool. 

Even though Welsh had put him back on the case, he was only doing the paperwork, he wasn't allowed to interview anyone or investigate anything. And for once, he didn't argue. He knew that he wouldn't be able to stop himself from overreacting and he didn't want anything, especially his own temper to mess this case up. He threw himself into the paperwork with an enthusiasm he'd never felt for this kind of thing before. He thought it might be beginning to pay off... he'd noticed a few things that had been missed, maybe they could be important. He played by the rules and passed the information on to Johnson and Nixon. And to Welsh, privately, just in case... 

Then, finally, they got the break they needed. Johnson had tracked down the hit man and he was willing, after a little encouragement, to give evidence against Hughes. It might not be enough on its own to get a conviction, but with the case they were building in other areas there was a good chance they could nail him on something. He headed for home in a great mood, debating whether to tell Ben and deciding that maybe he should hold off until the bastard was actually arrested. 

He breezed into the apartment. "Hey, Benny! Wanna go out for dinner? I don't feel like cooking tonight." 

Ben had been back at work for a few days now, he was still in uniform pants, in his shirtsleeves, sitting at the table with a bundle of papers. "Well, I could cook, Ray." 

"I don't think so, Benny. Let's go out." 

"I couldn't go till I've finished this..." 

"Homework already? That didn't take long... how soon will ya be finished?" 

"About half an hour." 

"Great. I'll take Dief for a walk." 

Ben looked at him in surprise, but he was in too good a mood to care. Dief was already at the door. He whistled as they walked down the hallway. 

There was a small park not far away, he took Dief there, it was one of the wolf's favourite haunts. When he wasn't out tipping over trash cans with his delinquent dog friends... They wandered among the bushes and exchanged greetings with a few dog walkers, some of whom (the females) seemed disappointed that it was Ray, not Ben who was accompanying Dief tonight. He gave Ben his half hour and an extra ten minutes, just to be sure, before turning back. 

Coming into the apartment building Dief suddenly stopped and lifted his muzzle, scenting the air enquiringly, then bounded up the stairs. Ray had learned to trust the wolf's instincts almost as much as Ben's. He followed at a run. Up in the third floor hallway he could see the apartment door was open. Dief was already at the door. Ray signaled him to stay, drew his gun and threw himself along the hallway and into the apartment. 

It was Hughes. He had Ben pushed up against a wall, his shirt torn open, and Ben wasn't fighting him at all. His face was sheet white, his eyes staring blankly past Hughes' shoulder. He didn't even seem to have realised that Ray was there. Ray was across the room in a matter of seconds, his gun pressed against the side of Hughes' throat. Dief was right beside him, his fangs bared, ready to attack. 

"Go on. Give me an excuse to pull the trigger." 

He pulled Hughes away from Ben, shoved him into the wall, then reached for his handcuffs. "Benny, get my cell phone and call the station." 

Ben still hadn't moved. 

"Dief! Guard him." 

The wolf positioned himself in front of Hughes, staring at him, his fangs still bared. Ray finished cuffing Hughes and went over to Ben taking his arm gently. 

"Benny?" He put his hand on Ben's cheek and turned his head towards him. "It's over Benny. He'll be facing assault charges for this. Just hang in there, OK?" 

A long shudder went through Ben's body, but his eyes focused on Ray and he nodded slightly. Ray got the cell phone and made the call. He wasn't looking forward to the trip to the station, Ben would have to make yet another statement and he wasn't looking very good at all. 

"Hey, Vecchio! Your pretty boyfriend show you any of the tricks I taught him?" 

He was standing over Hughes with no memory of having moved, his gun halfway down the man's throat and his finger tightening on the trigger. He stepped back with an effort. 

"Shut the fuck up. You ever heard of being shot while attempting to escape?" He was pleased to see that Hughes, for the first time since he'd met him, wasn't looking so smug anymore. 

Still, it was just as well that Huey arrived about then with three detectives as backup. Welsh met them down at the Precinct. They'd been very careful, making sure that Ray and Ben hadn't been alone together, to avoid any hint of collusion. Ray badly wanted to be with Ben while he made his statement, but at least Welsh was handling it personally, he knew he'd make it as easy as possible on Ben. 

It was late when they left. Welsh had assured them that Hughes would be held at least overnight, but Ray didn't want to take Ben back to the apartment tonight. It was time to find out how his mother felt about them staying over together. 

*

Mrs Vecchio wasn't the kind of woman to be easily fazed, but the arrival of her son and his lover and the lover's wolf on her doorstep at eleven at night, both men white with shock and shaking, was enough to disturb even her composure. She ushered them into the lounge and summarily ordered her other children off to their rooms. Ray got Ben settled on the couch, with Dief in close attendance, and took her into the kitchen, ostensibly to make a cup of tea. 

"Ma, that bastard who hurt Benny came to the apartment and tried again. I only just got back in time. I don't want to take him back there tonight..." 

"Of course not, caro. I'll make up your bed." 

"Ma, I warn you, I'll be sleeping in it with him." 

She'd been shocked at the state Ben was in. She lifted her chin slightly. "Naturally. Here, take Benton this tea. I'll get some towels ready for you both." 

The tea seemed to help a little, and a hot shower even more so. Ray got out two pairs of pyjamas, mainly because of his mother, and thanked his lucky stars he wore them large enough that they would just fit Ben. Neither of them had eaten, so he bundled Ben into a warm robe hastily borrowed from Tony and took him back down to the kitchen. Dief was already there, nose deep in a dish. Ma slapped down two steaming plates of pasta on the table in front of them, but Ben barely picked at his. 

"Come on, Benny. You gotta eat." 

Ben raised haunted eyes to his. "I don't really feel like eating, Ray." 

"You haven't had anything since lunch." But Ben just stared down at his plate. 

Mrs Vecchio hadn't raised four children without knowing how to deal with reluctant eaters. She sat down beside Ben and with a lot of talk and waving around of forkloads of pasta managed to get a few mouthfuls inside him. Then his own hunger did the rest. Once Ray was satisfied that Ben was going to get some food, he concentrated on getting himself on the outside of his own plateful as quickly as possible. 

When Ben had eaten all he was going to Ray kissed his mother goodnight and took him back upstairs to their room with Dief tagging along behind. Dief settled down outside their door, on a pile of bedding Ray had got for him. He didn't want the wolf on his bed, and he would be if he was in the room... as soon as they fell asleep. 

They lay in the middle of a bed much larger than they were used to sleeping in and held onto each other, slowly letting go of the tension and fear. Ben was exhausted but couldn't sleep, so they talked quietly. Finally Ray risked asking the question that had been nagging at him all night. 

"Benny, did Hughes say why he came to the apartment?" 

"He didn't say anything much. Just that he'd decided he wanted more... more..." Ben's arms tightened suddenly and he faltered to a stop. 

Ray swore viciously, words he'd never thought he'd use, until Ben put his fingers to Ray's lips silencing him. 

"Ray, what's been happening on the case?" 

"We've got some evidence that should put him away. We were hoping to get a warrant in a couple of days, after we've tied up a few loose ends. Of course, knowing what that bastard's like, he might have slimed his way out of it..." 

Ben thought about it for a while. "If he could discredit you, would that help?" 

"Sure. I'm the one who got most of that evidence. What are you saying Benny?" 

"I think he was trying to use me to get to you. What would you have done if he'd... done what he intended?" 

"I would've killed him." 

"...I don't think so. He would have been ready for you. Probably with half a dozen witnesses. And where would your case have been then?" 

Ray swore softly again. "Someone must be telling him, Benny. His timing's way too good." 

"I think you're right, Ray." 

"I'll talk to Welsh in the morning..." Ray yawned suddenly. "Think you can sleep now, Benny?" 

For an answer, Ben just snuggled closer and relaxed against Ray's shoulder. It was strange to feel the cloth between them, Ray slid a hand under Ben's pyjama top and stroked his back slowly. 

*

He couldn't move, and even as he realised it was a classic nightmare scenario, Ray recognised the room. No, not this... he struggled to wake, ineffectively. He couldn't move forward or back, couldn't speak or even close his eyes. It was like being in a layer of Jell-O, there was some give, but he was completely trapped. 

Benny was lying on the bed, naked and bruised, face down. Then the door in the far wall opened and Hughes walked in. Even knowing it was hopeless, knowing it was a dream, Ray tried to throw himself forward, he couldn't let this happen... 

Hughes was naked, his penis grotesquely distended out of all proportion to his body. He stood by the bed staring down at Benny while Ray screamed silently. Then he dropped on top of Benny's body, pushing his legs apart. Ray saw Benny flinch, his hands tightening on the sheets, but he didn't make a sound. Not until Hughes began to thrust violently into him, the force of it shaking the enormous bed. Then he lifted his head, staring into Ray's horrified face, his own twisted with pain and screamed, over and over... 

...he could still hear the screaming, though he'd thought he was awake... Then he realised he really was awake and the screaming was coming from the man lying beside him in the bed... He could hear Dief howling and scratching frantically at the door. 

"Benny? Oh God..." He caught hold of Ben's shoulders and turned him over, calling his name frantically, but there was no response. He slapped him gently on the cheek. "Benny!" Then again, harder. This time it worked, Ben's eyes opened and the screams stopped as he took a shuddering breath. Ray held him by the shoulders, carefully studying him. 

Suddenly, it was made easier when light from the doorway spilled across their bodies. Ben flinched away from it, and Ray looked over his shoulder to see his family standing in the doorway. Then a heavy body landed on the bed and Ben cried out, until a cold wet nose began to investigate his face. 

"Raimondo?" 

"It's OK, Ma. It's just a nightmare..." She didn't move, just stood there looking concerned. "Please. Leave us alone..." His voice broke, and he turned back to Ben, shielding him from the light and their view. The door closed quietly, and he pushed Dief away. 

"Get down, boy." 

Dief hopped off the bed and went to sit by the door, still growling under his breath and Ray turned back to Ben. 

He was lying very still, his breathing harsh, his eyes very wide and frightened, only half removed from the nightmare. Ray touched his cheek and Ben's eyes turned to him. "It's OK, Benny, I'm here..." Ben began to shiver violently and Ray lay down beside him, reaching out one arm to hold him. When he accepted that, Ray gradually edged his other arm beneath the trembling body and after a moment's hesitation Ben rolled into his embrace. 

They lay for a long time while the tremors gradually eased and the frantic beating of their hearts slowed to something near normal. Ben finally settled with his head on Ray's chest, his arms wrapped tightly around Ray's waist, but it was a long time before he relaxed into sleep. Ray struggled to stay awake, but eventually he too slept. 

*

In spite of what had happened last night, or maybe because of it, Ray woke early. Ben was still deep in an exhausted sleep and he was able to slip out of the bed without waking him. 

Dief was lying across the door, trying in the only way he could understand, to protect them. 

"Good boy, Dief. Guard him will you?" 

Dief leapt onto the bed and lay down beside Ben, sniffing him and then taking up a wary position. Ray went downstairs to find his mother. She wasn't hard to find, there was only once place she'd be at this hour. The kitchen. 

The subdued conversation, at least subdued by Vecchio standards, stopped abruptly when he came in and his sisters found reasons to leave while Ray dropped into a chair and accepted a cup of coffee from his mother. He was halfway through the cup before he could bring himself to speak. 

"He's OK. Still asleep. Dief's with him." 

"Does he have a lot of nightmares, caro?" 

"Some. Never as bad as that, before. Ma... we might have to stay for a while." 

"Of course, caro. Stay as long as you need." 

"Thanks, Ma." 

He sighed, looked at the clock. Not as early as he'd thought. "I'd better call the Consulate, let them know he won't be in today." 

"Raimondo..." He stopped by the door, alerted by the tone of her voice that something was wrong. 

"Yeah, Ma?" 

"...You won't... do... anything, while you're here, will you?" 

"No... Believe me, Ma, there's not much happening in that department. Don't worry about it." 

He sneaked the cell phone out of the bedroom, called Meg and told her what had happened and then talked to Welsh, telling him about their suspicions. He asked to be taken off the case again. If what they'd deduced was right, it was the only way to protect Ben and to make sure the case wasn't totally blown out of the water. 

Then he went upstairs and back into his bedroom. Ben was still asleep, but now his body was curled around the wolf's, his face and the fingers of one hand buried deep in the white fur. There was room on the other side. Ray dropped his robe and slid in beside Ben, wrapping his arms around both him and Dief. 

*

"Vecchio! Get in here!" 

"Yes, sir." 

Ray slouched across to Welsh's office. As soon as he was inside he straightened a little. "Anything, sir?" 

"No. They both check out. And the information I've fed them hasn't gone any further." 

"Damn." He'd been so sure it would be one of the Feds. Now they had to start from scratch. 

"I've got Elaine looking into the backgrounds of everyone who works in the Precinct, even the cleaners. And I've brought Nixon and Johnson in on it." 

"Is that wise, sir? I mean, Hughes might be sitting on the info." 

Welsh refrained from making a rude remark, knowing how much Vecchio wanted this to be over. "I don't think that's likely, considering what I told them." 

"I'll go see Zuko. He owes Benny, and from what I've heard, he doesn't like Hughes very much." 

"Be careful. Nothing that'll get this thrown out of court later..." 

"You got it, sir." 

*

It was Elaine who finally cracked it, using her computer database and cross-referencing Hughes' name with police employee records. One name came up again and again, Det Harold Wilson from the vice squad... an officer who'd been involved in numerous attempts to bust Hughes, all of them wildly unsuccessful. It wouldn't have been difficult for him to get the information that Hughes had used. 

Two days later, they had him. Some faked information supplied to Wilson had turned up in a raid on Hughes' house. They were both hauled in on conspiracy charges. 

*

Ray was still dealing with the fallout from Wilson's arrest. He'd ended up covering all the paperwork going back five years, while Huey got to follow current leads. It could take months, but he didn't mind. Months of working regular office hours suited him just fine right now, and the satisfaction he felt at nailing the creep would last through most of those months. He thought it had helped Ben to know that at least one of Hughes' people had been caught, and soon Hughes would be going down with him. 

He was sliding another sheet of paper into his typewriter when his cell phone rang. 

"Yello. Vecchio." 

"Ray? It's Meg, have you seen Ben?" 

"No. Any reason why I should?" His palms were damp. Almost anything unexpected where Ben was concerned made him nervous. 

"He was due to meet me half an hour ago. He hasn't turned up." 

"And you waited this long? Meg, you know he'd never be late." He was headed for the door. "I'm on my way. See if you can find out who saw him last." 

He made it to the Consulate in record time, losing some of the rubber off his tyres on the way. He was up the stairs two at a time and through the door like a badly dressed whirlwind. Meg met him outside Ben's office. 

"Anything?" 

"Last we know, he took a phone call. Turnbull put it through to him." 

"Who was it?" He was getting really scared now. Surely Hughes wouldn't try anything now? Surely Benny wouldn't fall for it? 

Turnbull came out of the office with a notebook... "Here it is, Sir! Oh..." His triumphant look faded in the face of the Chicago cop who, quite frankly, terrified him. 

"Who was it?" Ray tried to grab the book from Turnbull, who held on, valiantly defending Canadian Government property. 

"Give it to me, Turnbull." He released it thankfully to his superior officer and was shoved out of the way by Ray, who grabbed it off her and scanned the contents. His face paled suddenly and he nearly dropped the book. 

"Ray? What is it?" Meg took hold of his arm, concerned at his reaction. 

"Oh, God... I have to find him." 

"Ray!" 

He stopped for a moment at the door. "It's personal, OK? I'll find him." 

Meg looked at the entry in the notebook. The caller had been a Dr Mason. The name meant nothing to her. 

Ray was already in the Riv by then, but not sure where to go. If Benny had left over half an hour ago, he could have easily reached the Precinct before Ray had left, so it was no use looking for him there. He checked the apartment though he doubted Ben would go there, but it was on the way to his usual haunts. The park, maybe... at least Dief would be with him... unless... He did a quick U-turn and headed for Willie's sister's apartment. 

Dief was with Willie, and Willie, when questioned by a near frantic Ray, said he'd thought Fraser looked a bit weird, but he hadn't said where he was going. In the end he abandoned the Riv and wandered up and down the streets questioning the street kids, most of whom knew Ben, but none of them had seen him. 

It was a while before he thought of going to his own home. Ben knew that his mother was going to be out all day and he didn't have a key... but maybe he'd been too upset to think of that. Ray was trying very hard not to think about why Benny would be that upset. First find him, then deal with whatever the results of the blood tests were... 

God, everything had been going so well... he'd managed to completely forget about those blood tests. He hadn't wanted to think about them, and Benny hadn't mentioned them either. They should have talked about it... 

Ben was sitting on the stoop, his head buried in his hands. It would have taken him over an hour to walk there, but Ray had been looking for him for almost two... He was almost afraid to go near him. He took a deep breath and walked over to the bowed figure. 

Ben looked up and then stood as he got close. He'd been crying. Ray put his arms around him, not caring that all the neighbours were bound to be looking out the windows. 

"Come on, Benny. Let's go inside." He left his arm around Ben's shoulders, guiding him into the house. 

Even though nobody was home, he took Ben upstairs to their room. You never knew in this household when someone might take it into their head to come home unexpectedly. He pushed Ben down to sit on the bed and sat beside him, still with his arm around his shoulders. They sat in silence while Ray tried to find a way to start the conversation. 

They both started to speak at once and stopped, awkwardly. Then Ray just rushed in while he still had the courage. He didn't even bother to ask about the results. 

"It'll be OK, Benny. I swear. We'll get the best doctor in Chicago. They say if you start early, it can delay the start of the symptoms. Anyway, maybe they'll find a cure. Could be any day now..." He was babbling, but he didn't know how to stop. In spite of all his buried fears, this had been unimaginable. Until now. And he was still trying to deny it. 

"Ray." 

"There's all sorts of things we can do, Benny. Vitamins and stuff. Experimental drugs..." 

"Ray!" Ben took Ray's face between his hands and kissed him on the mouth to stop him talking. Ray just stared at him hopelessly, tears welling up in his eyes. "The tests came back negative. I don't have HIV." 

He didn't take it in, at first. Ben smiled at him shakily, only just now feeling able to believe the news himself. 

"You... oh God, Benny..." Ray flung himself the few inches into Ben's arms and they held on to each other as though their lives depended on it. 

*

Much later they were lying on the bed, still holding each other, and able now to talk about it. 

"...I didn't realise how afraid I was, Ray. I shut it out of my mind completely, didn't let myself think about it. I guess that's why I couldn't deal with it when Dr Mason called me. I was in shock, I suppose. I don't even remember walking here..." 

Ray paused in his gentle stroking of the dark hair and Ben shifted his head against Ray's shoulder to look up at him. 

"I'm sorry, Ray. I didn't mean to worry you like that." 

Ray sat up suddenly, dislodging Ben from his chest. "Shit! I'd better let Meg know you're all right." 

Ben lay on his side watching Ray as he paced up and down, talking to Meg and then Lt Welsh on his cell phone. It seemed like everyone was worried about him. A part of him was flattered that people seemed to care what happened to him. Another part was feeling guilty at the consternation he'd caused. He smiled somewhat apologetically as Ray came back to the bed. 

"OK. That's it. We've both got the rest of the day off. What's left of it." He looked at Ben, the afternoon's pain still lurking behind the smile in his eyes. He looked like a child not sure whether he was going to be beaten or caressed, Ben thought. 

"Come here, Ray..." 

Ray lay beside him and Ben began to touch his face, lightly, exploring the contours with his fingertips in the way Ray had seen blind people do, except that Ben's eyes were wide open and full of unfathomable emotion. He sighed and Ben leaned forward and kissed him softly on the lips. It felt, after all the tension of the afternoon, a little surreal to be lying here slowly, so very slowly, kissing and caressing his lover. They were both trembling, aching with desire, but needing to be reassured even more. Ray began to stroke Ben's face and hair as he gradually deepened the kiss, his tongue slid between pliant lips and their breaths mingled. 

Their mouths parted, and they stared at each other, breathless, then Ray began to trail kisses over Ben's face, placing his mark on each feature before moving along his jaw and then down the taut throat to the hollow at the base. He could barely hear Ben's sigh of pleasure, but his hands, moving over the back of Ray's head, held him there. Then one large, gentle hand slid down over his back, along his spine, drawing him a little closer. As always, he was allowing Ben to set the pace, and now he let his hands caress Ben through the thin fabric of his uniform shirt, feeling the complex interplay of muscle in his arm and shoulder. 

In the stillness of the house, Ray was intensely aware of the sounds they made, little sighs and moans, the rustle of Ben's shirt, the sound of lips touching bare skin. He'd never known before how arousing such small things could be... Ben's hand, sliding underneath his sweater, took him by surprise. He drew back his head a little and met Ben's smiling gaze. 

Ray closed his eyes, allowing himself to concentrate on the feel of that hand against his skin, brushing lightly over the chest hair and, an eternity later, grazing against his nipples. He caught his breath, so overcome with desire he was almost afraid to move. He felt Ben shift beside him, and then the sweater was drawn with agonising slowness up his body and removed. Warm, moist lips touched his left nipple, pressed against the frenzied beating of his heart. He moaned, the sound shockingly loud in the quiet room and the lips tightened around the peak of his nipple, a tongue flickered across the very tip of it sending shudders through him. He slid his hands over the nape of Ben's neck, toying with the short curls. So intense were the sensations, he was hardly aware of Ben's hands stroking his sides. 

He needed, urgently needed, to touch more of Ben. It was an effort to bring one hand round to the front of Ben's shirt and start to undo the buttons with shaking fingers. Finally it was done and he slid his hand inside the shirt and peeled it back off Ben's shoulder and with a little cooperation it, and the undershirt beneath, were completely removed. Now it was Ray's turn to kiss and suck at the sensitive nipples, to caress that wonderful body until Ben's breath caught in his throat and he shook with newfound passion. 

Reluctantly cautious, Ray drew back to check on Ben. He seemed all right, but Ray knew only too well how easily their lovemaking could become too intense for him to bear. He eased back into the embrace, drawing Ben into his arms, taking pleasure just from the feel of bare skin against his own. He stroked the powerful back reveling in the silky feel of skin over hard muscle, and felt Ben mirroring his touch. They drifted for a while and then Ben's hands slid down over Ray's hips, startling him a little. He pressed closer instinctively and then pulled back, but Ben was smiling, his hands drawing Ray closer again. 

Ray didn't need a second invitation, he slid his knee gently between Ben's thighs and pressed against him remembering suddenly the last time this had happened and how overwhelmed he'd been. It seemed that Ben did too, he laughed softly and caught Ray's mouth in a long, loving kiss. 

They lay there, gently moving their bodies against each other until Ben shifted his hold on Ray's hips and pushed him away. Ray swallowed his disappointment, trying not to show anything on his face, but then Ben was rolling him onto his back, his lips once again seeking Ray's nipples and his hand moving cautiously down over the front of Ray's pants. Ray held his breath, afraid to move in case he scared Ben away. He closed his eyes and tried to hold back a shudder as Ben's hand stroked lightly over his erection, and then lay flat against its length, the fingers curling round to cup his balls. 

Ray would have been more than content to allow Ben to bring him to climax this way. When Ben's hand moved to his zipper, Ray's eyes flew open. 

"Benny..." 

"It's all right, Ray. Don't worry so much..." Ben grinned slightly, though his nervousness still showed. 

The zipper slowly descended, taking longer than Ray would have believed possible, and Ben's hand slipped inside. It was... oh, God! ...it was heaven to feel his hand there, with just one thin layer of cloth between them, and then not even that barrier existed. Ray tipped back his head, groaning, his cock, his whole body rising against each stroke of those gentle fingers. Ben's face was buried in the junction of Ray's throat and shoulder, his breath hot on the sensitive skin. Ray had just managed to wrap his arms around him when the hand was withdrawn from his pants, provoking a sob of disappointment he quickly stifled. 

Trembling fingers brushed Ray's belly and fumbled with his belt buckle. He reached to help and together they got his pants free and eased them and his briefs down his legs. Ben tossed them over the side of the bed with a little flourish and a quick grin. A moment later his face was serious as he reached down Ray's body and began to stroke his cock again. His touch was so gentle, so light, more arousing than anything Ray had ever felt. As he began to shiver uncontrollably, Ben closed his fingers around the shaft and slowly rubbed his thumb over the tender skin of the glans. Ray moaned and thrust into the encircling fingers, beyond rational thought. He turned his head and sought Ben's mouth, kissing him hungrily as his world faltered into chaos. 

Ray's first instinct, always, was to check on Ben. He was lying propped up on one elbow looking down at Ray. Their eyes locked and Ben smiled slightly. 

"You look so beautiful after we've made love, Ray. Transfigured. I never knew it could be like that." 

It was almost too much for him to endure. He reached up and drew Ben down for a kiss. "You talk too much, Benny..." It was all right he knew, Benny would understand. 

He prolonged the kiss, exploring the warm, generous mouth while his hands traveled down Ben's body and began to undo his uniform pants. He slid them off over the strong hips, tipping Ben onto his back and pulling them down his legs. He ran his hands up the long pale legs and over the thin cloth of the boxer shorts, then bent his head to kiss the firm erection showing through the cloth. He heard Ben's gasp and didn't linger there, moving instead to kiss his mouth again and then to trail slowly downwards over the trembling body. Trembling with desire, he realised, not fear. 

Emboldened, Ray released the button on the waistband of the shorts and drew them off. He slipped his hand carefully between the muscular thighs and cupped the balls, letting them slide against his palm and gently squeezing them. Ben gave a soft cry, his hips shifting in an involuntarily response that Ray understood very well. He checked again, but all he saw was a face flushed and taut with arousal. He lowered his head again to the quivering belly and journeyed lower still. 

The scent of Ben's arousal was almost overwhelming here, so close to its source, driving Ray wild with the need to taste him. But Ben had always denied him this... his lips brushed against a faint stickiness and his tongue swirled over it, the hint of a taste only leaving him wanting it more. Unable to resist this particular temptation any longer, he turned his head slightly and ran his tongue over the tip of Ben's cock, greedily seeking the droplets of moisture. Ben's body jerked away from him, and hands reached to push his head away. 

"No! Please, Ray!" 

Ray sat back, panting. "God, Benny... why won't you let me?" 

Ben simply shook his head and sat up, drawing his legs up and wrapping his arms around them. There was a long, pain filled silence. Then Ray moved to sit beside Ben and put an arm around him, resting his forehead against his shoulder. 

"I love you too much, Ray." 

Ray opened his mouth to respond and then shut it again. It was Ben's answer to his question, he realised, but it didn't make any sense to him, not in the state he was in... 

"I don't understand, Benny." 

Ben turned a white, tear-stained face to him. "I won't do that to you." 

Ray's heart began to beat in slow, painful thuds. In all this time, Ben had never told him exactly what Hughes had done to him. "You're afraid of hurting me?" No, he realised, not that... "of choking me?" 

A slight nod of the head. He pulled Ben into his arms and pressed his face into the dark hair for a moment and then kissed the nape of his neck. 

"OK. I'll never ask you to do something you don't like." 

Ben lifted his head and looked at him miserably. "You really want to do this, don't you, Ray?" 

"Not if it's making you unhappy." 

"That was the worst part, Ray. The pain I could deal with, but I thought I was going to die, and I didn't want to die like that." 

Ray closed his eyes, feeling sick. "Benny, I swear, I'll never ask you again." 

He drew Ben down so they were lying pressed closely together and stroked his back gently. He could feel the trembling slowly ease and he waited, not knowing whether Ben would want to continue with their lovemaking now... 

Finally Ben shifted in his arms and raised his head to look at Ray. "Ray... why do you want to do it?" 

At first Ray couldn't think of anything to say, he hadn't really thought about it, just wanted it, instinctively. "Well... it just feels so good, Benny, I wanted to do it for you. And I wanted to know what it's like to do it to somebody else. And I like the way you taste... I wanted to have more of that, I guess..." His voice trailed off as he realised something. "You've never... I mean..." 

Ben shook his head slightly. 

He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream and yell with the pity and the anger and the unfairness of it all. This shouldn't happen to anyone, and especially not to Benny, who only wanted to do the best for everyone. Instead, he lay in silence, fighting for control, fighting the urge to get his gun and go visit the bastard who'd done this to Benny. 

"Ray?" 

He blinked, realised he was shaking violently and took a few deep breaths, willing himself to be calm. Ben kissed him and he let himself be distracted from his thoughts, it wouldn't do either of them any good to dwell on them. 

"Ray?" Ben's whisper was barely audible. "You can do it... if you want to..." 

"Benny... it's OK, really." 

"No, it's not... I can't spend the rest of my life being afraid. And I love you..." 

"I know... Benny, are you sure?" 

"Yes." Ben didn't look very sure, but Ray knew how that felt... 

He kissed Ben on the mouth, taking his time, needing to reassure both of them that it would be all right. When they'd both relaxed a bit, he began the slow descent, licking, kissing, sucking gently on the pale nipples until the tremors returned, sliding ever downwards over that incredibly sensitive skin. He circled Ben's navel with his tongue before dipping gently inside and heard Ben's gasp, felt the increased tremors in response. His fingers moved slowly along the fine line of hair, and toyed lovingly with a damp curl before sliding down into Ben's groin, stroking the crease and then moving to cup his balls, gently massaging them. 

Ben arced his body against Ray's hand and mouth and began to moan under his breath. The slow building of his desire was a delicious agony and every touch was sending fire shooting into his belly and down his legs, even his toes were curling in reaction... Ray's hand touched him lightly on his cock and he shuddered and cried aloud as it leapt against his lover's hand. 

And now Ray was kissing him there... it was unlike anything he could have imagined... the soft moist caress moving effortlessly along his shaft to the very tip and back again to the base. Frightened by the intensity of it, and worried how he might react, he clenched his fists into the sheets and made himself lie as still as possible as Ray began to lick him, a long sweep of the tongue along the whole length of him. His chest was tightening so much that he could barely breathe, but he didn't want this to end. 

Ray was licking the head now, probing the slit with his tongue, caressing away the tiny drops of milky fluid. Ben managed to choke out his name, a warning he couldn't hold out much longer, and Ray took the head into his mouth and sucked gently. A wave of molten fire spread through his body and his mind began to retreat before the overpowering demands of his body. With the fading edge of his awareness, he felt Ray wrapping his fingers around the lower part of the shaft and taking the rest into his mouth. 

Ray felt the sudden hard pulsing of Ben's cock, and tightened his lips around it, sucking harder. His own balls and cock were tingling with shared anticipation. Ben screamed and his body began to buck wildly, more unrestrained than he'd ever been, as the gush of hot tangy liquid filled Ray's mouth. Caught unprepared, he swallowed instinctively and then regretted it immediately. He savoured the last remaining traces and withdrew regretfully, planted a last, loving kiss on the already softening cock and leaned forward to lie along Ben's trembling body. 

Without any warning Ray began to shake uncontrollably. It was over almost before either of them had time to realise what was happening, and Ray was left lying exhausted in Ben's arms. They kissed, and Ben's tongue slid inside his mouth then withdrew. Ray found himself staring into Ben's eyes. 

"Ray..." He hesitated, touched his fingers to his lips, wonderingly. "... is that me?" 

Ray nodded, allowed himself to smile, just a little. Ben got that far away look in his eyes that meant he was reevaluating some theory. His hand slid down Ray's body, fingers slipping over the sticky wetness on his belly. He lifted his fingers to his mouth and licked them, his face thoughtful. A smile started somewhere in the depth of his eyes, rising to the surface and finally quivering to life on his lips. For once Ray forgot to make disgusted noises at Ben's tasting habits, he leaned forward eager to taste himself on his lover's lips. 

*

The sound of a quiet knock on his door dragged Ray out of sleep, partially at least. He struggled to get his eyes open. 

"Yeah, what?" 

As soon as he'd said it, he knew he'd made a mistake, though he wasn't sure why. A surge of adrenalin got his eyes open in time to see the shocked disgust on his mother's face as she stood in the doorway. Ben, lying with his head pillowed on Ray's chest, his arms around Ray's waist, moved slightly and then was completely still. 

"Ma!" The door closed quietly. 

Ray dropped his head back onto the pillow. "Shit. Oh, shit." 

At least he'd had the foresight to pull a sheet over their bodies as far as their waists... He glanced down, well partway to their waists, the sheet must have shifted while they were sleeping. Not that one thin sheet really hid much anyway... 

Ray slid out of the bed and started pulling on his clothes. 

"Ray, I'm sorry." Ben was sitting up, looking concerned. 

"You're sorry? What for? Damn it, I should've dropped the latch. Hell, I should've barricaded the door." He looked at Ben's unhappy face and turned back to kiss him hard. "Don't ever be sorry, Benny. You're the best thing that ever happened to me." 

"Do you want me to come down with you?" 

"No. I'll talk to her. It'll be OK." 

He went slowly down the stairs, his heart racing. This was worse than working undercover. His mother didn't turn when he entered the kitchen. She was busy dismembering some inoffensive vegetable with unnecessary force. 

"Ma?" She didn't respond, and he swallowed a lump in his throat and tried again. "Ma, I'm sorry." 

"You promised me Raimondo." 

"I know..." He sat down at the table. 

"How many times have you done... that, here?" 

"Does it matter?" 

"To you, obviously not. But it matters to me." 

He sighed. "Today was the first time." If he'd thought that would help, he was wrong. 

"So. Today you decided that my wishes were not important anymore." 

"No! It wasn't like that, Ma! Benny got his blood test results today..." 

She turned to look at him at last. "Blood tests?" 

"For HIV." 

He saw the horror on her face. "It's OK. The test was negative." So why was he hugging himself and shaking? His chest felt like it had a metal band being slowly tightened around it. His mother came over and put her arms around him and held him while he wept. 

He felt better after he'd thrown a couple of handfuls of cold water on his face and neck. He stood leaning against the bench while his mother, a little teary eyed herself, bustled around making him a coffee. He caught her hand. 

"We love each other, Ma. That's not going to change." 

She smiled and patted his cheek with her free hand. "I know you do, caro. Anybody could see that. And he's a good boy." 

"It's just the sex, isn't it? Ma..." 

She put her hand to his lips. "I don't want to know about what you do." 

Ray grinned. "You don't think I'd tell you, do you? Though it's probably not half as bad as you think it is... Ma, whatever we do, we do it out of love, just like anyone else. Is that so wrong?" 

She hesitated, then shook her head. "No. I suppose not. But don't expect me to be happy about this. You have not chosen an easy path, Raimondo." 

"Don't I know it. But he makes me happy, Ma. Happier than I've ever been in my life. Even with all this going on..." 

He hugged her, burying his face in her hair for a moment. When he looked up again Ben was there, standing just inside the door, dressed in jeans and a sweater and looking very nervous. With one arm still around his mother, he reached out. Just a few steps, and Ben was holding his outstretched hand in trembling fingers. 

"Ma?" 

She looked from Ray to Ben and back again and sighed. She stepped up to Ben rising on tiptoe to plant a kiss firmly on each cheek, then she did the same to her son. 

"You have my blessing. Both of you." 

Ben smiled radiantly. Ray just looked stunned. 

*

It was time, Ray decided, to think about moving out of the Vecchio house. He wasn't sure how Ben would feel about living in the apartment again, but the lack of privacy was starting to get on his nerves. He wanted to be able to put his arms around Ben, to kiss him, without having to shut themselves in their bedroom. 

He brought it up one night as they lay in bed. 

"Oh... I thought you liked it here, Ray." 

"Well, I do, kinda. But I'd rather we were on our own. If you don't want to go back to the apartment..." 

"No... I don't mind that. I like it there." Ray grinned. Only Benny could actually want to live in that rat trap. Still, a few coats of paint, some decent furniture and most important of all a comfortable bed, would definitely improve things. He could live with that. 

*

Naturally, it wasn't as simple as packing their bags and going back to the apartment. Not when the Vecchio's were involved... 

"Just move it a bit to the right... that's right... No! Too far, back to the left... now tip it over a bit. No the other way, you idiot! A bit more... more... that's it!" 

Ben and Ray heaved the chest of drawers a few steps further up before getting stuck again. 

"Frannie!" 

"I told you we should have put it in the elevator." 

"That death trap? Are you crazy?" 

"Well, actually, Ray..." 

"Shut up!" Both Vecchio siblings turned on the hapless Canadian. 

*

Finally, it was done. The furniture all arranged to Frannie's satisfaction, the fridge jammed full of assorted pastas and sauces, the wine drunk. Maria and Tony (who'd been conspicuous by his absence while the furniture was being carried in) gathered up the smaller Vecchios, Mrs Vecchio kissed them both soundly on the cheek and Frannie threw herself on Ben's chest and hugged him in a decidedly unsisterly way, and they all departed. Ray eyed Ben speculatively. 

"So, Benny. Feel like a little private housewarming party? Just the two of us?" 

Ben lifted his head with an effort from the back of the armchair. He looked at Ray for a moment and then let his lashes droop demurely over far from demure blue eyes. "What did you have in mind, Ray?" 

*

It was late afternoon, and it was hot. If Ben had sometimes thought the air-conditioning in summer was inadequate, the heating in winter more than overcompensated for that fault. He had removed his jacket and rolled his sleeves up, and was now thinking about discarding his tie and unbuttoning his collar. Then he smiled, hearing a familiar footstep outside his office. Ray was early. 

"Hey, Benny. How's it going?" Ray didn't wait for an answer, he turned away fiddling with the stapler he'd picked up. Ben watched him. He seemed very nervous, fidgeting with whatever he could lay his hands on and generally being very distracting. Finally Ben stood, came around the desk, took a folder out of his hands and set it back down on the desk. 

"Ray, what's the matter?" It was making him nervous to see Ray like this and his voice sounded strained even to his own ears. Ray stared at him, his eyes worried. 

"It's Hughes..." And when Ben went suddenly very still, "...no, it's good news, really. He's dead." 

Ben took a deep, shaken breath and sat abruptly, on the edge of the desk, closing his eyes. He felt Ray move close to him and looked up, blinking away tears. "How... how did it happen, Ray?" 

"It looks like a Mob hit. Professional." 

"Oh." Ben wiped the dampness away from his lashes, still feeling very shaky. "Are there any leads on the killer?" 

"Geez, Benny! What do you care? I'd have thought you'd be glad the bastard's dead." 

"I suppose I am. I just wondered." 

"Well, if I ever find out, I'd rather shake the guy's hand than arrest him. If I was on the case, I sure wouldn't look too hard." Ray was getting more and more worked up. 

"It's still murder, Ray. Whatever Hughes did." 

"Yeah? Just be glad you won't have to testify against him now." 

Ray turned away from Ben. He couldn't go very far, unless he left the room and he wasn't prepared to do that, but he got as far away as he could. Ben watched him, a frown deepening on his face. 

Ray looked over his shoulder at Ben. "What?" 

"Ray... you didn't... no, you wouldn't..." 

"Wouldn't what?" 

Ben just shook his head. He could feel the tremors in his hands spreading up into his arms and body. Ray came over and gripped his arms. "Benny, what are you talking about?" 

Ben looked up at him and found quite suddenly that he didn't want to know the answer to the question that was in his mind. He looked at Ray pleadingly, hoping he'd just drop it and Ray's face softened. He drew Ben against his chest, holding him gently. 

"Tell me what's wrong, Benny. I thought this would be good news." 

Belatedly, Ben slid his arms around Ray, under his open jacket. He could feel Ray's warmth through the silk shirt, and the unsteady beating of his heart. The tremors increased. Ray's hands stroked his back. 

"Ray, did you..." He couldn't say the words, knowing he couldn't live with the answer he feared. The problem was, he wasn't sure he could live with not knowing either. 

Ray drew back and looked at his face. "What is it, Benny? Tell me." 

"Did you... know anything about this?" 

"What's there to know? He's dead. End of story. Good riddance." Then Ray's eyes narrowed. "You think I did it." It wasn't a question. He pulled away and went back to the far side of the room. "What are you gonna do Benny? Turn me in? Arrest me yourself?" 

There was a tense silence. Ray took out his handcuffs. "Here." He flung them at Ben, who made no effort to catch them. It was Ben who looked away in the end, and Ray came back to stand in front of him. "You gonna arrest me, Benny? It's your duty, isn't it?" 

"No." The single word broke the tension. Ben was looking at Ray in despair, but there'd been absolute conviction in his voice. Ray relented, he knew how much it must have cost Ben to say that one word. 

"Benny, I swear I didn't kill him. However much I wanted to do it, I wouldn't risk what we have for that scum." 

Ben put his hands over his face for a moment, then looked straight at Ray. "I'm sorry, Ray. Can you ever forgive me?" 

For thinking I'd done what I've wanted to do for the last three months? Easily." He took Ben into his arms again. "Besides..." 

"What, Ray?" Ben's voice was shaky. 

"Well, you wouldn't count starting a few rumours, would you?" 

Ben took in a breath sharply, his face still pressed to Ray's shoulder, then shook his head. "I doubt I could prove a connection. And I don't want to." 

He felt Ray's lips on his hair and he lifted his head to meet the warm mouth, his hands sliding under Ray's jacket again and up his back. Ray held his face between his hands as the kiss deepened and time ceased to exist. 

A brief knock on the door barely penetrated their consciousness before the door opened. Ben managed to turn his head in time to see his superior officer in the doorway, a file almost slipping from her hand. Since Ray had merely shifted his grip to Ben's shoulders and wasn't letting go, he stretched out his arm, leaving the other wrapped around Ray, to take the file. 

"Uh... thank you, Sir. I'll see to that." 

Meg nodded, dazedly. "Fine." She turned abruptly out of the office. 

"Oh, dear." 

Ray was nuzzling his cheek. "Well, it's not as if she doesn't know about us..." 

"She knows?" Ben was shocked. 

"Yeah, she figured it out. Didn't I ever tell you about that?" 

"No, Ray." 

"Oh. I guess I got distracted. I can get distracted real easy, sometimes..." 

*

Ray was sitting staring moodily into space when Ben came into the room. He caught a glimpse of red in the corner of his eye and turned his head. His heart sank even further, he really didn't want Benny to be here now. Still, he managed to summon up a smile as Ben sat in the chair by his desk. 

"Hey Benny, how's your day been?" 

"Pretty quiet, Ray. And yours?" 

"Same. I've just got one more interview." 

"Is it anything I can help you with?" 

"Nah. It's straightforward. The victim's already ID'ed the perp. It'll take me a while, though. Why don't you go home? I'll get some take-out." Ray was bending over to pat Dief, avoiding Ben's eyes. 

Ben was just about to ask Ray if there was something wrong when Ray spotted Elaine coming over. He rose hurriedly and went to intercept her. "She ready?" 

Elaine nodded soberly. "She's on her way back. Sgt Northey's with her." 

"OK." He headed for the door and Elaine wandered over to say hello to Fraser and make a fuss of Dief. She noticed Ben's concerned look after Ray. 

"Don't worry. He just doesn't like these cases. Well, none of them do." 

"Ah." She obviously thought he knew about the case and he wasn't about to enlighten her. "Well, thank you kindly, Elaine." He picked up his Stetson and went out after Ray. 

In the hallway he turned towards the interview room, certain that Ray would be there, and went past it to slip into the observation room. There were two young women with Ray, one a uniformed officer, the other in a crumpled business suit. He listened as Ray gently guided the young woman, Susan, through her statement. He was doing an excellent job, but Ben knew now why he'd been so grim. Elaine was right, nobody liked dealing with rape complaints. 

Ray had got the basic outline, now he started questioning Susan about details, giving her as much time as she needed to collect herself. It was an all too common story, a company party, a coworker who'd come on too strong and then refused to back down. The kind of case that didn't often make it to court and when it did, rarely resulted in a conviction. They'd just got to the actual attack when Susan choked up and began to cry. The uniformed officer, Sgt Northey, put her arm around the young woman and Ray carefully pushed back his chair and walked away, leaving them a little privacy. 

Ben watched as Ray paced slowly at the opposite end of the room, his hands shoved into his pants pockets, his shoulders hunched under the dark sweater. He paused at the one way mirror for a moment and Ben saw eyes full of pain before they were closed. The sound of the two women stirring behind him made Ray turn and he walked back to his chair and sat. After a careful scrutiny of Susan's face, he spoke. 

"Would you like a drink, Susan? Coffee, maybe?" She nodded. "Wendy, do you mind? I'll have one too. White, two sugars." And after Northey had left the room. "Here." He pushed over a box of tissues. 

Susan blotted her eyes, trying not to mess up her make-up any worse than it was. "I'm sorry... I just can't believe I didn't fight him... I couldn't really believe it was happening at first. And by the time it sank in..." 

Ray leaned forward a little. "Don't let it worry you. That's a very natural response." 

She looked at him. "It's going to look bad, at the trial. Isn't it?" 

"The honest truth?" She nodded. "Juries prefer it when they see some bruises. Otherwise it's your word against his. But even then, it's not a sure thing." 

"I should have fought him. I should have... but I thought if I let him do what he wanted, he wouldn't hurt me..." 

"You probably made the right decision. Listen... you can only do what seems best at the time. It's easy to second guess, later." 

Susan eyes filled with tears again. "Nobody's going to believe me. Are they?" 

"I believe you." Ray gently laid just the tips of his fingers on her wrist. 

In the observation room Ben sat down on a chair and dropped his head in his hands for a moment. Then he got up and left. 

*

It was late when Ray got back to the apartment and he'd hoped that Ben would have gone to bed, but he was sitting in the armchair, reading. Dief just looked up and then went back to sleep again. Ben looked up as Ray came in and then came over to kiss him and help him take off his coat and jacket. 

"You look tired, have you eaten, Ray?" 

"Yeah, at the Precinct." 

Ben kissed him again, hugging him briefly, and led him to the armchair. He flopped into it, closing his eyes. Then, as warm hands began to gently massage his shoulders, he groaned softly. "Ah, that's good, Benny." 

The massage continued a little longer, then... "Let's go to bed..." 

Ray glanced up at Ben, but he didn't appear to be motivated by anything more than a desire to sleep. Which was just as well, considering the way he was feeling. They undressed in silence and, once in the bed, automatically moved together. Ben continued the gentle rubbing of Ray's shoulders, working down his back now, as well. Ray sighed, relaxing even further against Ben, his eyes closing. 

Trouble was he just couldn't stop thinking long enough to go to sleep and, for whatever reason, Ben wasn't able to sleep either. 

"Ray, do you want to talk about it?" 

"Not really." 

"It's all right, I know what it was about... I went into the observation room for a while." 

Shit. Pain he thought he'd dealt with and forgotten flared anew. He didn't know what to say. 

"You handled the interview exceptionally well, I thought." 

"The interview! What the hell does that matter. It'll never get to court. The bastard will be free to do it again." 

"The interview was important, Ray. To Susan. At least she knows somebody believes her." 

"I guess. I really don't want to talk about it, Benny." 

But it had helped, he was just on the edge of sleep when Ben spoke again very softly. 

"It was rape, wasn't it Ray?" 

"Geez, Benny! Of course she was raped! You heard her." 

"Not Susan. Me." 

Oh God, he wasn't ready for this. He tightened his arms around Ben. "Yeah, Benny. It was rape." 

Ben shifted against him and Ray drew his head onto his shoulder and began to stoke the dark hair. He felt the first tears hot on his skin. 

*

Ben stood on the stoop and inhaled deeply, relishing the clean air, the scent of water and pine trees sharp with the cold tang of winter. Dief went bounding past him, playing hunting games in the snow and from inside came Ray's voice, complaining. He grinned. All was right with the world. He went to chop some wood. 

He had no difficulty in persuading Ray to make it an early night. He'd made his preparations with great care. The fire was a glowing bank of embers and there was a substantial pile of wood on the hearth. He drew Ray over to the nest of blankets in front of the fire. Whenever they stayed here, this was the place they slept. 

Ben caught Ray's hands as he started to unbutton the flannel shirt. 

"Ray..." 

"Mmmn?" 

Ray's mouth was pressed against his skin, inside the open collar 

"Ray, I want you to make love to me." 

"I want that too..." 

"No. I mean, really make love to me. I want you inside me." He felt Ray stiffen and pull away, only his hands remained in contact, trapped in Ben's grip. 

"No, Benny. Anything but that." 

"But that's what I want, Ray. It's taken a long time, but I do want it." 

"I might hurt you." 

Ben shook his head. "No you won't, Ray. Don't be afraid." He stroked Ray's cheek, smiling into the wide frightened eyes. 

Ray was casting about for some kind of excuse. "Uh, Benny... if we're going to do this, we'll need... things... you know... and we haven't got them." 

"Yes, we have. I brought them." 

"You've really thought about this, huh?" 

"Yes Ray, I have. I've thought about it for a while, and once I knew we were coming here again, it seemed like the perfect time." 

They both looked at the bedding in front of the fire. This was where they'd first kissed, where they'd first made love. Nothing bad had ever happened to them here. 

Ray turned his eyes back to Ben's face. "OK. But I'll stop if I even think that I'm hurting you." Ben nodded. "And then you have to do it to me." 

"Ray, you don't have to do this. I'm the one who wants it." 

"I'm not doing something to you and not even know what it's like. In fact you should do it to me first." 

Ben smiled. "Sorry. I asked first. I get first turn." They could argue about the rest later... He kissed Ray, sliding his tongue deep into his mouth. Sometimes there was only one way to silence his lover. 

*

Later, he lay awake almost till dawn, letting his mind drift back over the times they'd been here before... That first kiss, so sweet and full of promise... and the night they'd made love for the first time. There'd been other nights since, here and elsewhere, but nothing that could compare to that first time. Something had been forged between them that night, from their pain and their love, that could never be taken away from them. Wolves, he knew, mated for life... some of them with their own sex. He'd always felt an affinity for wolves, perhaps there was more wolf in him than he realised. But, trying to picture Ray as a wolf, he began to shake with silent laughter. It just wouldn't fit, and he abandoned the theory regretfully. 

Ray was deeply asleep, lying on top of him, their legs entangled, head drooping over his shoulder, snoring just a little. Ben felt him stir disturbed, perhaps, by his movements and then settle again. Tonight had been so special. It had been more difficult for Ray, he thought, than for himself, but worth it for both of them... He was sore, his body aching, but beneath these minor physical discomforts, his blood was singing in his veins. He smiled tenderly, remembering... flashed for a second on an image of Ray straddling his hips, his body taut as a drawn bow in the moment before climax, wide-eyed and ardent and utterly desirable. 

He sighed and ran his hands lightly over the slim back, up to where the shoulder blades jutted sharply. He thought he'd never get used to this, the feeling of slender bones so close beneath the skin's surface, seeming terribly fragile, even though he knew so well the toughness that was more than skin-deep. God only knew what he would have done these last months without Ray's strength and love to support him. He had begun to realise what that support had cost Ray, he'd risked everything that mattered to him... his family and his job, and buried his own needs so deeply that they were only just beginning to surface again. It would take a lifetime to repay such a debt as he owed to Ray, luckily, it seemed he had a lifetime to do it in. This was one debt he was going to enjoy repaying... 


End file.
